Morons in disguise

Behold, your dreams have come true:

Life size Transformer costumes at can transform...while your wearing them. Re-enact that sorrowful scene where Optimus Primes dies (but this time, beat Megatron's face in).

Also,

A Bosnian city has erected a statue of Bruce Lee to commemorate his 65th birthday, as a symbol of universal peace.

"We will always be Muslims, Serbs or Croats," said Veselin Gatalo of the youth group Urban Movement Mostar.

"But one thing we all have in common is Bruce Lee."

Beautiful.

Things you find on Bond's underwear, if you look hard enough...

(The following is written on gigantic Bond's undies)
Dearest Thao,

Our love for you is like the fury of a raging bull. Somtimes at night we dream of skipping through dandelion fields with you, holding hands, and singing the dirty dancing soundtrack. You are Swayze to our to our baby. We will always leave the light on for you.

Forever yours,
Becc (captain oates) & Jarrod (crackers)
xxxxxxx


I am your Swayze!? hahahahahah, this is the best present ever!! I just found it in my pile of letters and knick knacks. Thankyou. I don't deserve this. Funny shit. I'm gonna stick it on my wall.

Honey leave the light on for meeee!

It's raining outside and I forgot to take down my clothes from the clothesline. The funny thing is I went out before when I first heard the rain, but found myself afraid to wander into the dark to get to the clothesline. I think I've been watching too much X-Files (Flyboy gave me the complete first season).

At the first sign of light, I'm gunning out there and getting my clothes.

Officer I-know-the-martial-arts!....MD

Remember when you were a young pip, and you wanted to be the greatest? I remember in primary school, they had a project where you had to make a short speech on what you wanted to be when you grew up. I don't think anyone would be doing what they said in this project. "I want to be a fireman" BAM!, well now your working in insurance...and divorced. "I want to be a rockstar" BAM!, your scraping dog shit at the animal shelter and wearing nut cages to protect your jewels from rabied dogs. "I want to be a doctor" BAM!, your a stripper...but you get to wear nurse uniforms (wow, you nearly made it girl, here's a tenner).

I wanted to be a cop.

Well, actually an anal retentive teacher came up to me and told me to change it to "police officer". I have never wanted to be a cop (take that Mrs Korju!! shit, I can't remember how to spell her name). I don't know why I chose that. I have no interest in it. I just find it interesting I chose that career all those years ago.

My dream now is film director. I want to make films, movies, vignettes, snippets, something that can move people.

No, not porn films you perverts.

Things only drunk people will understand

I was gonna put this list up, so I wouldn't forget. I don't think anyone will understand it (or find it funny) except T-ir. Drunken jokes:

1. My ass cheeks are my children. One of them works in insurance, the other is a jeweler.
2. Tasmania is a giant pinball table. Whenever the silver ball goes past the flippers, the Tasmanian people come out of their houses (which are the bumpers) and harvest their crops.
3. The most insane way to wake someone up is to throw rainbow trout at them. Imagine waking up to a spazzing rainbow trout in your lap!
4. When Lani passes out, he cannot be cracked in interrogation. He will not say anything to good cop, bad cop. He maintains that he knows nothing. He always keeps cool under pressure. One face Lani.
5. Anything that lani breathes into his nose (while passed out) turns immediately into steak. In that way, he never goes hungry. When he is thirsty, he eats steak rare and drinks the blood.
6. One day, Lani will pass out and wake up in the future world, which will unfortunately be populated by cloned versions of Quicky. Who call each other gay. All the time.
7. Me and T-ir are Pharoahs, who are having a pyramid-off.

Hmm, that's all I remember.

People with a fast internet connection should have a look at this. Mario Bros. being played on a marimba.

Also, an album of songs played in the style of 8-bit nintendo. I'm interested to see how superfreak came out.

My other sister

Awhile back, I mentioned missing my little cousins, who affectionately call me uncle Thao. Now I'm gonna talk about their mum. Hien (or "Sonny") is the same age as my sister. She has always been like another daughter to my mum, and is forever the best friend of my sister. Recently, on the weekend, she woke up to find the right half of her face (temporarily) paralyzed, which later turned out to be because of a mini-stroke. She is 24.

It's strange that I'm not that close to her. I mean, we both have a certain affinity to our pasts (although hers was more extreme). We have both gone through an addiction to an illicit drug. Although my addiction was more psychological. Her demon was heroin.

It didn't help that her boyfriend was a heroin addict (he introduced her to the drug). For a year or more, no one could reach her, not even my sister. She was a lost cause.

Then something amazing happened. She came back. Slowly, both of them (her and her boyfriend) stopped using heroin. Her mother was ecstatic. Mother and daughter reconciled. Both young people made efforts to get clean. And on one wispy spring day, they announced they were getting married.

Bianca was born not long after, a healthy girl (much to everyones relief). Then, a boy, named Brandon. Life was hard for them, but they coped. Soon after though, the marriage went downhill. Her husband started falling into old habits. She could not go through that again (especially her children), so she divorced him.

The divorce was rocky, but necessary. Pretty soon, I believe, she finally found her happiness. She had 2 beautiful children, and she was clean. She had a job working for her hypocritical brother (he promised to pay her weekly, but he only paid her if she reminded him). She even saved enough money for a deposit for a small house, but she refused to leave her mum with her step-dad, who is a lazy, sexist bastard that does nothing but hurt the people around him.

Now she finds out she needs an operation. She's been put on some waiting list. She waits. It frustrates me to see someone who has worked so hard to live, be condemned to misery. The kids are still too young to understand. I can't bare to think about them one day waking up to find their mother paralyzed. Well, it's probably not as bad as I make it seem. They say everything looks good, and that the operation should be fine. One hopes.

I guess I wanted to make a short document of her battles through life. Well, there it is. Not as eloquent as I would have liked it. It's actually quite disjointed. I actually pretty much glossed over her battle over heroin. It certainly was immensely hard. Or even the distrust and hate she faced, even from her own brother. Oh well. She's coming to visit now. I bet the kids will punch my arm. "Unky" Thao's gonna turn into howling Thao. And howling Thao must smash!!! (or is that Hulk Thao?)

Extreme sports

I've been staring out the window for nearly 4 hours now. It's now 6:06am. Where has all the time gone?

And what the hell am I gonna do with myself?

And the end and the beginning were always there
Before the beginning and after the end.
And all is always now.
T. S. ELIOT

Tom Cruise, you wily old fart

Something crazy to do. Shout "Scientology" at random passers-by. Drive by 'scientologing'. Bounce up and down on an imaginary Oprah couch (if you can).

This is how I imagine Tom cruise converts people to his religion. The sicko bastard.

The powers of a super hero

So I went to Brooke's new pad fo a couple of quiet drinks, and to test my tolerance of pain during the night. Bout halfway through the night it was enough to make me wince and make faces. Also didn't help that Brooke, absentmindedly, kept grabbing my left arm. I like the girl but...the bitch! So anyway, my super powers have a time frame of 3 hours or so, then I revert back into a cripple...or a pumpkin, driven by mice. Out of my comfort zone.

Now I have a killer cold. My brain is flowing out of nose. Sadistic, degenerate brain juice. There's not enough tissues in the world for this stuff. And the sneezing...the damn sneezing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The World Beard Championships exist. Cast your eyes on this, non-believers!

Hmmm this post is subpar, and would make grown men cry.

On each other's shoulders.

teehee.

YOUR AWESOME!

AUSTRALIA HAVE MADE IT INTO THE WORLD CUP!

Fuck yeah. Although I see penalty shootouts as a really unfair way for a team to win/lose, but I'll take this one. Right now I just want to go party, but I think I'll settle for "medicating up", and running (err, I mean shuffeling) down the road shouting gibberish...in my pyjamas!

Sexual Healing

Smoke Stained : how goes the healing? is it sexual??
Thaozee : it can't get any more sexual than this.

I invoke the power of Marvin Gaye!
So my arm is healing nicely. After waiting 4 days for a department in the hospital to send my details to another department in the same hospital, I finally got to see their doctor. He was a strange man who seemed to pause...after...every...fricken...word. After living on rationed, left over pain killers, I was glad to get a prescription for more. He gave me Tramal (50mg) which, after much testing, do absolutely nothing. They tell me to take one, or two if I really need it. Two does nuthink!. I was hoping they would make me drowsy or something (or atleast let me float) because I'm not getting much sleep. Oh well, the pain is subsiding and I'm getting used to the muscle spasms and whatnot (still hurts at night and in the morning though, for some reason). They tell me I can move my arm in about 5-6 weeks.

No, I'm not being sexually healed. Although I do wish the doctor would give me 10 cc's of hot naked chicks, parachuting on top of me. Doogie Howser would have done it!

Oh yeh, I fractured my humeral head and chipped a bit off my shoulder bone. They didn't tell me where the bit went, so I assume I absorbed it. Or something freaky like that.

In a perfect world...

I found this quote hilarious:

#203815 +(2908)- [X]

[fooz] In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail, and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises, taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

In other news, the towing company that took my car (without telling me) has finally decided to contact me and charge me alot of money. I've been looking for it for a week. If they had told me earlier it would have saved me alot of money. Damn misery loving greedy bastards. I would eat your brains if I was zombie. Yes, if I was ZOMBIE!

EDIT: another good quote:
Miyomei2: I had my portable CD player, and took it in the bathroom with me while I went to pee.
Miyomei2: And the second I whipped my penis out, the theme song to 'Rocky' started playing.
Miyomei2: I've never felt more manly than in that moment.

And one from my memories:
"I mean, I love the Beastie Boys, but if one of them touched my penis, I'm gonna hafta punch-on.."

There's always someone worse off

I found this article... amusing (well it didn't happen to me). Poor guy really. Here's a taste:

"...glued his buttocks together..."

Mental note: New worse enemy is mosquitos. Do not scratch the itch on your hurt arm.

Thao Nguyen, fuck up extraodinaire!

Everyone has been so kind to me. They skirt around the issue that I did this to myself. Sometimes I wish they would just come out and say it. It hurts me so much more to see that they do not blame me. Thankyou. I appreciate everyone calling me, taking me for a drive, dropping off videos.. I know you take time out from your personal time.

I'll try not to degenerate into a pile of self-pity. I try and keep positive. I have time to contemplate. I have time to start again. I promise to all I hold dear, and all who hold me dear. I will be back. I will be (goofy) dancing again with you at retro. I will crack stupid jokes with you again. I will scab cigarettes off you. I will embarrass you when we go out for dinner. I will make up stories about you crying while throwing up in the toilet. I will call you up at early ours in the morning and be bastard. I'm in a really bad way right now, but I'll try my best.

Thao Nguyen things to do list:

1. Never, ever, sneeze again. The reverberations of pain is not cool. Makes me howl out like an elephant climaxing.

Stupidity

So I was gonna make a post about my great weekend, eating out at the Turtle den, planning to go to Tasmania next year, Melbourne cup BBQ...

But I've done something stupid.
I drove home drunk, and crashed into a parked car. I was lucky to only escape with a broken shoulder (which will take months to heal). No one else was hurt (thankfully). I feel stupid. Suspended licence and broken bones equals no work. In a spot of bother in that respect. I feel the disappointment. I've let my parents down, and myself. Well it's all my fault. I will sit here with my pain and try to see a way to move on. Whatever comes, comes.

I'm really, really sorry.
--------
I've fractured my left humeral head. Translation: Left shoulder is bunged to the high seas for a couple of months.