He walks like he's still laying in a hammock!

2 uni students accosted me today at a farm. They were doing a project on farm workers and wanted to take some pictures. I tried to convince them that I spoke minimal english and that I had 5 children to take care off. My name was Dong and I was an illegal immigrant. My cover was blown when the group leader came over and told them I was joking. Stupido!. After that they got suss on me.

I did get in one bit when they were filming. I walked past the camera, showing them my attempt at the world speed record for the nonchalant walk. I had a bag of branches on my back and I swear, the way I was walking that day, I coulda walked straight to Milan. Then I would kiss my biceps and announce "This one's for Royal Children's Hospital". Man, I'm smooth.

Next in my car theme is car crashes...or illegal things to do with cars. Considering why I lost my licence, it's relevant.

[MP3] Neko case - Star witness

This is a dark, noir-country sounding song. It starts off with her true love crashing his car and drowning in the oil pan of the vehicle. "There were no survivors". It doesn't sound as sad as the lyrics may indicate. The lyrics are fantastically brutal, without sounding it. "There's glass in my thermos, blood on my jeans". It sound's alot like someone recounting the past. Beautiful song and my favorite off "Fox Confessor brings the flood" (which is a pretty tops album too)

[MP3] Bruce Springsteen - Stolen car

I can't have a theme about cars without putting up a Bruce Springsteen song. Nearly half his back catalogue has something to do with cars and driving them. The protaganist talks about his lost love and hopes to be nicked by the cops while he's driving a stolen car. It's a flirtation with being destroyed that appeals to me (cops getting him).

[MP3] Eskimo Joe - Car crash

From a very underrated album. Perfectly shows off the lead singers strange vocals. A nice simple song. A tortured voice, a guitar and a child-like piano in the background. "I don't wanna die in a car crash with you".

Dropping your cigarette while on the freeway is insane

Driving, for me, was the only thing I felt I had control of. As I barreled down the freeway at 3am, I made myself imagine that right at that moment I could go anywhere I wanted. Just punch that accelerator and away I bloody went. Cigarette hanging from my mouth, wind flowing through the open wndows. I've never felt I've had much control of anything else. It's like things have already been decided for me. I have a quota to work to. I do things that must be done. But I don't work for the desire of anything anymore. There's not much colour in what I see. Driving let me dream for a little while that I was doing what I wanted. But now I know that I've never had a way out (atleast one that I can visualize). There's not much beyond that hill. And there's not much behind me either. So I keep my mind in a permanent rush and hope that I never stop long enough to think about it. I'm feeling a bit melancholy...and maybe some infinite sadness. Fuck you Billy Corgan! I have about 11 months to go. Anyway, thanks to everyone that's been giving me lifts. I feel like an invalid.

I'm going to start uploading some music from now on. This week's music theme is cars and driving.

Since I'm always needing people to drive me around these days, I'm putting up Death Cab for Cutie - Passenger Seat from the Transatlanticism album. It's a slow song driven by a piano that's being played underwater (or atleast it sounds like that) and Ben Gibbard singing while marooned on Sputnik. "With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter." Enjoy.

[MP3] Death Cab for Cutie - Passenger seat

And I awoke

Smell analogy of the night:

It was like a naked fat man was shoving razor blades down my nostrils.

I discriminate against non sexy people

As I was walking home tonight, completly off my nut, I witnissed something that was just off the radar. I cut across the school oval (like I always do), and noticed a strange light right at the corner of the basketball court. There was a guy with a metal detector trawling the oval. I kid you not. I walked past him, then turned around and asked "what are you looking for" and he replied "things". He had a light on his hat and everything. I'm talking 5:30am complete darkness. What are the odds of a man with complete metal detecting gear, losing something metallic?

Oh and my mobile phone has been acting up. So if anyone sent me a message between now and I dunno when, chances are I didn't get it. And it's been messing up my phone calls as well, as it says that my phone is disconnected or something. It's not. I've reseted my phone and all is good. Continue sending me random swear words

We'll spend mother's day licking the internet!

I spent nearly 2 hours racing and calling around different restaurents because the place I had booked for 12:30pm gave me a table in the city, instead of Knox city. Finding a place not booked out on Mother's day is harder than getting the wiggles to eat turds.

I did finally find a decent yum cha place in springvale, on the eve of me cracking it and buying a KFC family pack and heading home with DVD's. We sat next to 3 cackling witches, who's laughter probably gave everyone cancer. You know, the kind of people who sound like they not only smoke 5 packets of cigarettes a day, but actually eat the butts when they finish. Their laughter was like the sound of 10,000 penguins being sucked into a black hole.

Playing the simpson's version of Cluedo on the weekend, we got to thinking that a B-grade action star Cluedo would rock pretty damn hard. It was Van damme, in the strip bar, with the flying knee!

No, it was Steven Seagal, in prison and he used a roundhouse kick!

Murder most foul!

I intend to hold you for the longest time

I've been getting these massive bouts of fatigue lately, where I sleep for 10+ hours and I wake up with the whole day gone. I should be thankful since I haven't had much insomnia for awhile now, but I really hate missing out on the day. I go to sleep and it's night time, and wake up at night feeling like someone has been pummeling me while I was out. Oh and the dreams I get.

One particular dream starts of with me walking casually down the street. I stop suddenly, as I can hear the faintest sound of something in the air. The sound gets louder and louder and pretty soon I can make out what seems to be the start of Billy Joel's "Longest Time". I look at where the sound is coming from and brace myself as black forms start to appear along the horizon. People as far as the eye can see, humming "Longest Time" and marching towards. They get to me and surround me. Humming their infernal tune.

Then the whole place erupts, and I find myself leading them into singing "Longest Time".

It's like someone has just flipped the light at a suprise party. The place is bathed in pure fucken glee. And we're shouting this song in perfect harmony and it extends all around the world. It basically becomes a full world party, the likes of which someone in Nigeria would break a glass and the whole world shouts back "TAXI!". The sound is like Care Bears having boxing matches in your ears. Like you're sucking every single fucken colour in the world through a tiny straw. Like you're bathing in children's laughter. Everything just seems right. The world becomes this single organism that moves together in one cosmic hip thrust. And life just seems like it's being run on dreams and starlight.

Then I wake up. And the whole world becomes instant turds as my eye's focus. I dive back to sleep, hoping to get the same dream. But this is the best bit:

The dream continues where it left off.

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

Imagine everyone in Romeo and Juliet was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger...

I had a quick read through of this book again, and I still hate the damn thing. If I had a fire place, these books would be my fuel.

*I do like the biting of thumbs bit though. I've tried to shout at people like that but they just don't understand.*

I say old bean, fuck you

Look at Jeeves smiling in the background.

Working at farms, I'm getting used to immigration officers visiting unannounced. I've seen 4-5 raids now in my time. Sometimes the farm owners warn people (at a considerable risk to themselves). But mostly they can't do a thing. Some owners even call the authorities, hoping that they would not have to pay the 'illegal' workers. A person pretending to speak spanish would call them a "bastido", or in the lesser known language of english, a bastard.

I'm always amused when they come to talk to me. My accent is the Australian equivalent to the Texas drawl. One could indeed call it the Australian drawl. Also, one could then punch me in the face for dragging out that fact about my accent into no less than 3 sentences.

Whatever people think of 'illegals' and their apparent 'stealing of jobs', it's interesting when you talk to farm owners about their views. Most farmers I've talked to have the same view. If there were no 'illegals' and backpackers working the fields, then most likely no one would do it. The pay ain't great and it's back breaking labour. They estimate that a large percentage of their workers are 'illegals'. If that amount suddenly all vanish, they would lose alot. It's an interesting situation.

Anyway, I'm gonna go shout "I spekka no england" to the officers to see if that pistol whip me. Maybe they'll send me back to my own country, in which case, a free holiday. I really hope I look Fijian. Everyone back to my holiday hut for sex on the beach and sex on the beach.

It's cause I'm drunk. Before I forget. It was more crazy before I snipped it

Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
bryan!! snap out of it
Bryan says:
im back. iu had to gfet the washing in. mums like your up anway coz the shed door was baning so i was gonna close it so she said get the washing in
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
HahhaHAHAHAH. thats the most bogan thing in ive ever heard
Bryan says:
lol
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
dont pass out
Bryan says:
i cant even be fucked typing
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
Hahahaha. im ready to party. B. A. Baracus styles from the A team
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
troy must be having a cunt of the time. waiting for koshy. rage ain't pulling up any sort of relevant sht. channel has 10 has somr kind of wacked out "Scared factor" show
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
channel seven has Tom jones!!!!. ive actually read the book.
Bryan says:
chef tony is on 10
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
right im telling u right now...backwards tom jones is never recommended to a person thats pissed and had external sources of fun. it blows my mind
Bryan says:
ahahaahaaaa
Bryan says:
this mracle blade ad never ends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
i swear one day im actually gonna go crazy..and it'll be a boring non event. like waiting for popcorn to pop. it's inevitable
Bryan says:
that hef tony pruick is still goin
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
man i'll neve edit this enough to fit into a blog article
Bryan says:
fuck you and oyur blog. ill send armies. theyll uck it up
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
im editing as we speak. i still retain the crazy "man governments are afraid of us", but it comes with the "i'd rather be somewhere else" attitude. or 'toooode
Bryan says:
dont break my head. fuck you
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
i have to say, after relevant editing of this convo, you come of as a crazy man
Bryan says:
im always the bad guy. not even a fuckin anti hero
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
the fucken villain. it's who I blame if I eventually see a shrink. Ya dig?
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
fuck! i think i had a spiritual talk with troy and grug. and you're only copping it cause i know ur awake
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
infact
Ben has been added to the conversation.
MEst has been added to the conversation.
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
sup

And to all you people...

----- delete

A relevant change in our ever changing world:

It's cause I still find it funny

Rubik's cube! Transform and roll out!

When I was younger, my parents worked at a farm. They used to take me and my cousins up there with them and we would play behind the shed, in some kind of sand pit thingy.

One day, while playing amongst the strawberry lanes, a German Shepard appeared out of nowhere, all teeth and loud growling noises and I waz built to ze German effiency of a killing machine!. You know, at this point the fat controller in your head presses the button that activates program: pants browning+girly shriek. One cousin bolted left, the other went right. I lashed down one of aisles. I heard it behind me and was just about to look back, when I tripped over a branch, and face planted the dirt and passed out. It was like I was an extra in some sci-fi movie, and the director is telling me "at this point, you trip over on your boots, and 15 horny aliens mate with your face". Gee, that's swell Spielberg.

When I came too, they were carrying me to the house. I was not injured except for a large bruise on my head. Limbs and sanity were still intact. The farm owners put me in the care of their son, who was abit older then me. He walked me into his room and showed me, what could only be described as, a child's dream world. He had all these fancy toys sitting on his shelves. Robots, cars, figurines...all gleaming in the midday sun. He told me I could take some of his toys. My eye's gleamed, and I imagine they would have become dollar symbols like in those cartoons (with cash register ka-ching sound fx of course). But then he ushered me to his closet and opened it to reveal his stash of dud toys. "Here you go. You can have these"

Amongst the bung toys was a left gumboot (no right foot) and a rubik's cube.

What the hell was a kid my age going to do with a fricken rubik's cube?

Years later, in a drunken haze, I blamed my friend Troy for the ordeal because he looks so much like a grown up version of that kid. You bastido troy!

*I'm aware Speilberg didn't direct aliens*

Building a case against myself...

Everytime I see this Sony BRAVIA TV ad, with silky voiced Jose Gonzalez, I imagine I'm chucking myself down the hill along with the 250,000 bouncy balls. The hill is endless, and there's something beautiful about it as I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. Because there's colour, like no other.

Happy birthday Kateo. Hope you had a swell time. My word for the week is swell.