I'd woo her tenderly and remain abstinent til marriage, if you know I mean.
This has to be one of the funniest party stories ever. It's not mine by the way. My stories would be filled with gods, flexing their muscles to the beat of footloose. 1000 reps atleast!
I wasn't going to unleash this little story, but here it is:
A couple of years ago my bros ex had her 18th which was a great party, save for a few unfortunate incidents.
1. I saw a guy I used to play soccer with about 5-6 years earlier who has since been confined to a wheelchair. We posed for a photo and because I was a huge metalhead at the time I gave the horns in the picture. I told him to give the horns too but he said no, so i bugged him for a bit and told him I wouldn't take the photo unless he did. Then he says "Sorry man I can't move my fingers like that". I felt so damn horrid, here I was bugging him and he doesn't even have the ability to do it with his minimal hand movements.
2. I was in the kitchen with some I dude I just met and he needed to take a leak. So he did out the door. So I thought I would go one better and do one in a glass on the counter. I filled it up nicely and turned it around and saw what was written on it: "Happy 18th Sarah". Here I was drinking this chicks free beer and I went and took a leak in her 18th glass her family gave her. Once again I felt terrible so I repeatedly washed it out with the kettle. Meanwhile my new friend was rolling around on the floor laughing.
3. I was talking to the birthday girl a little later and this woman walked over to us. She asked my name and I told her and she commented that I looked just like my father (not a fan of him), so I turned to the bday girl and said "Who's this bitch, I don't like her". She replied with, "That's my mum". Suprisingly they both found it funny but I was still embarrassed.
4. After the party ended we went back to the bday girls house. One of her distant friends whom I had only just met was there talking about how she could squirt milk as she'd just had a baby a month earlier. So of course by this stage (2 in the morning) I was egging her on to get one out and squirt it us. She told me that she couldn't do it anymore though. I said that that was crap and that she could because the kid was only one month old and she'd still be breast feeding him. Her reply: "I don't breastfeed anymore because my child died after a week". I kind of sputtered a bit and ran off.
5. So at this stage I just wanted to get home. Now something I neglected to mention earlier was just after I urinated in the bday girls glass my new found friend and I thought it'd be funny to hide in an empty freezer. This was great except I got a wet butt because I sat in it. When I jumped out I saw the oven and thought it'd be great to dry off. So I opened the oven which was heating some food (not cooking though so it wasnt overly hot) and stuck my butt in it. As I had a good 10 mins or so before it'd be a bit dryer I thought I'd munch into the lasagne that was in there. I ate so much of it but it wasn't ordinary lasagne, it was spicy as all hell.
So on the walk home karma caught up with me when I found myself feeling a bit "iffy" about 4 blocks from home. I started sprinting and got about 2 blocks before I had to rip my pants off right in the middle of the street and let fly with the nastiest liquid number 2 ever known to man. And because I do a number 1 and 2 simultaneously I had to hold my package with one hand (so I didn't urinate all over myself) and balance myself with the other. To this day I still don't know how I didn't fall back into my own crap.
So here I am going at it in the middle of the street laughing my face off. I got up and started running again and had to stop another two times before I got home. Once directly under a street light, and once in someones back yard (unoccupied house though).
I got home, threw my jocks out, had a shower and went to bed knowing that no matter what next weekend held for me, it couldn't have been worse than offending a cripple, offending a mother who'd lost her child, urinating in the hosts glass and spraying the road with brown paint!!
I wasn't going to unleash this little story, but here it is:
A couple of years ago my bros ex had her 18th which was a great party, save for a few unfortunate incidents.
1. I saw a guy I used to play soccer with about 5-6 years earlier who has since been confined to a wheelchair. We posed for a photo and because I was a huge metalhead at the time I gave the horns in the picture. I told him to give the horns too but he said no, so i bugged him for a bit and told him I wouldn't take the photo unless he did. Then he says "Sorry man I can't move my fingers like that". I felt so damn horrid, here I was bugging him and he doesn't even have the ability to do it with his minimal hand movements.
2. I was in the kitchen with some I dude I just met and he needed to take a leak. So he did out the door. So I thought I would go one better and do one in a glass on the counter. I filled it up nicely and turned it around and saw what was written on it: "Happy 18th Sarah". Here I was drinking this chicks free beer and I went and took a leak in her 18th glass her family gave her. Once again I felt terrible so I repeatedly washed it out with the kettle. Meanwhile my new friend was rolling around on the floor laughing.
3. I was talking to the birthday girl a little later and this woman walked over to us. She asked my name and I told her and she commented that I looked just like my father (not a fan of him), so I turned to the bday girl and said "Who's this bitch, I don't like her". She replied with, "That's my mum". Suprisingly they both found it funny but I was still embarrassed.
4. After the party ended we went back to the bday girls house. One of her distant friends whom I had only just met was there talking about how she could squirt milk as she'd just had a baby a month earlier. So of course by this stage (2 in the morning) I was egging her on to get one out and squirt it us. She told me that she couldn't do it anymore though. I said that that was crap and that she could because the kid was only one month old and she'd still be breast feeding him. Her reply: "I don't breastfeed anymore because my child died after a week". I kind of sputtered a bit and ran off.
5. So at this stage I just wanted to get home. Now something I neglected to mention earlier was just after I urinated in the bday girls glass my new found friend and I thought it'd be funny to hide in an empty freezer. This was great except I got a wet butt because I sat in it. When I jumped out I saw the oven and thought it'd be great to dry off. So I opened the oven which was heating some food (not cooking though so it wasnt overly hot) and stuck my butt in it. As I had a good 10 mins or so before it'd be a bit dryer I thought I'd munch into the lasagne that was in there. I ate so much of it but it wasn't ordinary lasagne, it was spicy as all hell.
So on the walk home karma caught up with me when I found myself feeling a bit "iffy" about 4 blocks from home. I started sprinting and got about 2 blocks before I had to rip my pants off right in the middle of the street and let fly with the nastiest liquid number 2 ever known to man. And because I do a number 1 and 2 simultaneously I had to hold my package with one hand (so I didn't urinate all over myself) and balance myself with the other. To this day I still don't know how I didn't fall back into my own crap.
So here I am going at it in the middle of the street laughing my face off. I got up and started running again and had to stop another two times before I got home. Once directly under a street light, and once in someones back yard (unoccupied house though).
I got home, threw my jocks out, had a shower and went to bed knowing that no matter what next weekend held for me, it couldn't have been worse than offending a cripple, offending a mother who'd lost her child, urinating in the hosts glass and spraying the road with brown paint!!
posted by Thaozee at 5:03 AM
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