here I am, 25th of October 10:30pm 2005
It has been an unhappy year for me. The irrational guilt that I lived through during my highschool days has shown a semblance of itself. Last year, I became the owner of my parent's house because they were going to lose it due to debts. It was actually my sister who was supposed to buy it though. But, at that time, she did not have a job and I did. A couple of weeks later, the strange boy Thao Nguyen, owned his very first house. I was optimistic. It gave me the chance to take care of my parents and ease the guilt that has always stayed with me. I wanted to make it up to them and make them proud.
I've struggled through these past couple of months though. Everyday, my mind grows heavier. The bills, the taxes, the council, budgeting, working, dealing with debt collectors, cooking, cleaning... My previous enthusiasm is waning. I'm so tired. The drawing of the blinds.
A friend of mine mentioned that she wanted to go overseas for a year soon. She asked me if I had plans to go overseas in the future, and all of a sudden I could see my future spread out before me. I could see where I was gonna be 2 years from now, 5 years, 10 years. It was exactly where I am now. I would hurtle towards stagnation. And all at once I felt trapped. I could see no way out of the future. Like a door was closing in the far end. A future that did not permit me to live. Not live in the death terms, but really LIVE. Feel fucken alive!
And then I feared. I feared that my parents had chosen the wrong person. I can't be relied upon. I had messed up before. My previous defining moment was a failure. I just want to leave this. Give it all to my sister or brother. But the old guilt grows and I feel so fucken selfish. I think, why can't I do it? If only I was stronger. Am I so used to running away? Why do I see this as a burden? I owe them. And I owe an old memory who loved dancing and wore red shoes (why did you do it!?). I feel like if I ever stopped, everything will come crashing down on me.
It all becomes a mess of self doubt+guilt+regret+frustration+anger+and numb acceptance. Like a drunken man trying to recite the alphabet. Mished and firmly mashed.
Here I am now. And this is my life. I'm tired, lonely, hollow and numb. But I will accept it as best I can. I'm trying my hardest not to fall into old habits and disappear, to lunge towards the abyss. I've waited nearly 7 years to find peace in my heart. My friend's are the beez kneez. My family are angels. If I can make it through this year, with my hope still intact, I can make it work. Look back here, Thao Nguyen! Look back here next year and see how far you will have come! I can take care of people, and I can live my life.
Please, please, please let it work. It has to work.
I've struggled through these past couple of months though. Everyday, my mind grows heavier. The bills, the taxes, the council, budgeting, working, dealing with debt collectors, cooking, cleaning... My previous enthusiasm is waning. I'm so tired. The drawing of the blinds.
A friend of mine mentioned that she wanted to go overseas for a year soon. She asked me if I had plans to go overseas in the future, and all of a sudden I could see my future spread out before me. I could see where I was gonna be 2 years from now, 5 years, 10 years. It was exactly where I am now. I would hurtle towards stagnation. And all at once I felt trapped. I could see no way out of the future. Like a door was closing in the far end. A future that did not permit me to live. Not live in the death terms, but really LIVE. Feel fucken alive!
And then I feared. I feared that my parents had chosen the wrong person. I can't be relied upon. I had messed up before. My previous defining moment was a failure. I just want to leave this. Give it all to my sister or brother. But the old guilt grows and I feel so fucken selfish. I think, why can't I do it? If only I was stronger. Am I so used to running away? Why do I see this as a burden? I owe them. And I owe an old memory who loved dancing and wore red shoes (why did you do it!?). I feel like if I ever stopped, everything will come crashing down on me.
It all becomes a mess of self doubt+guilt+regret+frustration+anger+and numb acceptance. Like a drunken man trying to recite the alphabet. Mished and firmly mashed.
Here I am now. And this is my life. I'm tired, lonely, hollow and numb. But I will accept it as best I can. I'm trying my hardest not to fall into old habits and disappear, to lunge towards the abyss. I've waited nearly 7 years to find peace in my heart. My friend's are the beez kneez. My family are angels. If I can make it through this year, with my hope still intact, I can make it work. Look back here, Thao Nguyen! Look back here next year and see how far you will have come! I can take care of people, and I can live my life.
Please, please, please let it work. It has to work.
posted by Thaozee at 10:30 PM
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