Proper stoked!

SECRET LETTERS AND MICROFILMS

2007-05-08T04:20:00.000+10:00

I mark every 17th word in your letters, hoping to find your hidden messages.

"Alert the Allies"

"They've taken the microfilm"

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"

"You lived and I didn't"

Sexy (also ....zzzzzzzzzzzzz or lack of it)

2007-05-07T03:22:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I want to go back to blogging. But I don't know where to start. How much shall I reveal? How much shall I hold back? What subjects? Funny musings? Weekend party stories? Broken hearts and devastated dreams? Maybe even commentary on the current state of the world. How well did I do when I was blogging?

I guess people are tired of reading about my financial problems. Feeling the fabric of my fibre doesn't make for compelling reading. In fact, I haven't done much with my old posts. Slightly eccentric mind stamps about getting drunk and shouting catchphrases. Hardly sexy. I know you want sexy. I want sexy.

I will muse on it. I will set my Hello Kitty alarm clock, and hug my Ninja Turtles figurines.
-------
GOSHNESS is not a word

Everybody hands on heads

2007-04-06T13:55:00.000+10:00

I am the instigator, and it is time for some graceful tomfoolery. Our laughter will be like the ringing of bells. Kiss my rings, you beautiful jesters. Something wicked this way comes!

EVERYBODY HANDS ON HEADS!

Happy Easter holidays everyone.

Head back, nodding to the gods of the world

2007-03-22T02:28:00.000+11:00

If I were a drop of dew,
I could take refuge on a blade of grass.

But I am only

I am not a hot head. I may be a pornstar, an idiot, a fuckwit, a hot head; but I am NOT a communist!

2007-03-20T02:59:00.000+11:00

I've always had a fascination with...well... violence (which is too strong a word but right now I can't think). Not in the sense that I get my rocks off on it or something fetish-ee like that. I don't particularly hate anyone. I'm not angry at the world. I abhor the idea of hurting anyone without cause. The fights I've been in can only just be counted on 2 hands. So what the fuck is wrong with me Oprah?

Some of my friends know about my pot stirring when it comes to pub and bar fights. Understandingly, they view me as something of a hothead. I am captivated with the visceral nature of fights and violence. When people are brawling in some dirty pub dive, it's real. I'm watching real anger flare up. Physical, bone crunching cluster fists are exchanged. In a world where people are hidden amongst their social restraint, it's refreshing to see a human being open up their inner walls and show real emotion. My view of laughter and humour is the same. When you watch someone truly laugh without inhibitions, it's a sight to behold. Their face screws up, they make strange sounds and tears roll down their cheeks. They might slap their thighs or just completely crumble into fits. They lose control. It's bloody beautiful. It's like when you smash a plate on the ground. Sometimes you feel the liberation behind the guilt. I smashed that plate and it's completely broken! Theirs nothing I can do about that and I don't care! I imagine adrenaline junkies feel the same way. Always looking for true fear to exhilirate them. It's something of a primal urge. To see true human fire. It is the age old flirtation with oblivion. To maybe lose control a little. To throw yourself head first. Sometimes I want to just hurl things across fields. Just to show myself that, gosh darn it, I'm alive and kicking. That's why it looks so fun when people do army rolls across car bonnets in action movies! No one does it anymore.

I buggered up explaining myself. And this may actually confuse people more. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I like it because I like army rolling across car bonnets. Can I roll over yours?

I'd woo her tenderly and remain abstinent til marriage, if you know I mean.

2007-02-23T05:03:00.000+11:00

This has to be one of the funniest party stories ever. It's not mine by the way. My stories would be filled with gods, flexing their muscles to the beat of footloose. 1000 reps atleast!

I wasn't going to unleash this little story, but here it is:

A couple of years ago my bros ex had her 18th which was a great party, save for a few unfortunate incidents.

1. I saw a guy I used to play soccer with about 5-6 years earlier who has since been confined to a wheelchair. We posed for a photo and because I was a huge metalhead at the time I gave the horns in the picture. I told him to give the horns too but he said no, so i bugged him for a bit and told him I wouldn't take the photo unless he did. Then he says "Sorry man I can't move my fingers like that". I felt so damn horrid, here I was bugging him and he doesn't even have the ability to do it with his minimal hand movements.

2. I was in the kitchen with some I dude I just met and he needed to take a leak. So he did out the door. So I thought I would go one better and do one in a glass on the counter. I filled it up nicely and turned it around and saw what was written on it: "Happy 18th Sarah". Here I was drinking this chicks free beer and I went and took a leak in her 18th glass her family gave her. Once again I felt terrible so I repeatedly washed it out with the kettle. Meanwhile my new friend was rolling around on the floor laughing.

3. I was talking to the birthday girl a little later and this woman walked over to us. She asked my name and I told her and she commented that I looked just like my father (not a fan of him), so I turned to the bday girl and said "Who's this bitch, I don't like her". She replied with, "That's my mum". Suprisingly they both found it funny but I was still embarrassed.

4. After the party ended we went back to the bday girls house. One of her distant friends whom I had only just met was there talking about how she could squirt milk as she'd just had a baby a month earlier. So of course by this stage (2 in the morning) I was egging her on to get one out and squirt it us. She told me that she couldn't do it anymore though. I said that that was crap and that she could because the kid was only one month old and she'd still be breast feeding him. Her reply: "I don't breastfeed anymore because my child died after a week". I kind of sputtered a bit and ran off.

5. So at this stage I just wanted to get home. Now something I neglected to mention earlier was just after I urinated in the bday girls glass my new found friend and I thought it'd be funny to hide in an empty freezer. This was great except I got a wet butt because I sat in it. When I jumped out I saw the oven and thought it'd be great to dry off. So I opened the oven which was heating some food (not cooking though so it wasnt overly hot) and stuck my butt in it. As I had a good 10 mins or so before it'd be a bit dryer I thought I'd munch into the lasagne that was in there. I ate so much of it but it wasn't ordinary lasagne, it was spicy as all hell.

So on the walk home karma caught up with me when I found myself feeling a bit "iffy" about 4 blocks from home. I started sprinting and got about 2 blocks before I had to rip my pants off right in the middle of the street and let fly with the nastiest liquid number 2 ever known to man. And because I do a number 1 and 2 simultaneously I had to hold my package with one hand (so I didn't urinate all over myself) and balance myself with the other. To this day I still don't know how I didn't fall back into my own crap.

So here I am going at it in the middle of the street laughing my face off. I got up and started running again and had to stop another two times before I got home. Once directly under a street light, and once in someones back yard (unoccupied house though).

I got home, threw my jocks out, had a shower and went to bed knowing that no matter what next weekend held for me, it couldn't have been worse than offending a cripple, offending a mother who'd lost her child, urinating in the hosts glass and spraying the road with brown paint!!

Happy Monoclessssss

2007-02-14T19:08:00.000+11:00

(from: http://www.whiteninjacomics.com)

Happy Monocle (valentines) day you beautiful poppette! You're the cannonball and chain around my ankles, my love.

Dude! Danish Centaurs!

2007-02-09T01:58:00.000+11:00

And it’s been such a lovely day
Let’s not let it end this way

So it's a new year. Fresh faces blink out the time. And you lie in bed, occupying the time between lying awake knowing the alarm will go off, and the alarm actually going off. It's a peacful moment. A sliver of a second. A quiet time. Your time. And you map out your seconds, your minute, your days, your years and your lifetimes. You nod approvingly to your grand plans.

Today I'll whistle more. A small tune within my boundaries. Today I'll gesture more, and make elongated movements with my arm. Today I'll dance on powerlines and drink from the cradle of the sky. I won't apologize. People will understand. They'll wink, knowingly. "There he goes", they'll say, "there he goes. He has plans you see. Plans".

We'll share a stifled laugh under the old bridge. "Oh who put all those cares inside your head?". We'll join clubs and alliances. "We'll put it off for one more day". Don't look back in the years. Behind is the dancing shadows, leaping higher. The gaping chasm, like kissing the lips of your dead love. "No you're right, we'll put it off for just another day".

So how are you world? I'll bow and I'll grin. The possibilities are mounting and I'm ready. I'm swirling like a drunkard.

*whistles*

One simply can't just blog his way to Mordor

2007-01-24T20:17:00.000+11:00

deshea27@bigpond.net.au has been added to the conversation.

grug17@hotmail.com has been added to the conversation.

Thaozee says:
FORM, CUNT-ZILLAAAAAA!
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
oi troy
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
when you meet anne maries dad will he make you piss in a cup?
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
ahahahahhaa
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
yes
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
im hilarious
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
am i the only one talkin here or what?
Thaozee says:
FORM CUNT-ZILLA!
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
your all assholes
Thaozee says:
one day im gonna slit all your throats. ever try luaghing while blood's coming out your throat? it's like you have 2 mouths and they're both dribbling. dribbling like a basketball player.maybe one day we'll stop lingering amongst the minefields. ol'johnson always tells us to scram
Thaozee says:
but i think he's looking out for us. he had children of our age

grug17@hotmail.com has left the conversation.

Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
you scared grug
Thaozee says:
maybe he even sees his murdered kids in our youthful faces. maybe there's a flicker of recognition in those cold eyes
Thaozee says:
i would like to tell him it's alright. but I have no guarantees.
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
ive lost some cds i hope they are around the house
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
someone cut troys toongue out
Boganmaster - merry christmas hos says:
he cant speak
Thaozee says:
cant stop the crawling in my skin! when will they let me be. can't stop the sighing in my fur'
Thaozee says:
haha i have a ben folds cover of "she don't use jelly"
Thaozee says:
SHE USES TAAAAAAAANGERINE
Thaozee says:
the 7 point chakra crown, includes a line along your spine. if one were to apply enough "force" (not physical) into the points, life forced can be siphoned out. it's life lathcing on to life. do you see?
Thaozee says:
I stepped out of the bar, the fat baubles of rain, splattered thickly on my long coat. dark forms, flitted across my peripheral vision, like ghost ships. I coughed. blooded, escaping from my protective hand. was it the whiskey I lived on? or the countless cigarettes i sucked down? I looked up and winced with pain. Sunlight was a faraway myth. I stepped forward and thought "it has to start somehow"
Thaozee says:
I swung the gun around. it seemed too long. why didn't I practice this at home? villains rarely jumped to the front of you. he had come at me from nehind. it was awkward, suprising, my body protested the sharp movement I was willing it to do. my last thought...grim...silly...lazy... why didn't he jump from above? I had many years of practicing lifting my arm to my face, bottle on tow.
Thaozee says:
maybe I'll crack that black label out, If I made it out alive.
Thaozee says:
I watched her form in the darkness. the dark cleft of her female sex. the perk breasts, rising into peaks. The softness of her skin that showed through the near dark. I was afraid to go close, to smell her hair, to taste her neck. A red, passionate dress, laid haphazardly at the end of the bed. On any other day, I might have laughed at the way her arms lay, like she ointing out treasure.
Thaozee says:
but she was dead, and there was not enough whiskey in the world to change that.
jordo... says:
are u talking to anyone?
Thaozee says:
HAHAH YOU!
jordo... says:
i don't want to talk to you
Thaozee says:
YOU JESTER!
Thaozee says:
I leaned back on the wall. My stomach flipped. then flipped again. the bile and disgust was willing itself up. up. up. and out. I ran to the toiletm and threw up.
jordo... says:
leave me alone
jordo... says:
crazy
Thaozee says:
hahaha it's my noir, private eye novel
Thaozee says:
someone just framed jonesy, by leaving a dead girl in his bed
jordo... says:
a very subtle framing
Thaozee says:
everyone saw them eating at smoking joes at 8pm. no one will believe he left alone
jordo... says:
he's in trouble
Thaozee says:
so he escapes into a wardrobe that his grandfather left him, and it takes him to antoher world....
Troy says:
I am currently idle.
jordo... says:
isn't that narnia?
Thaozee says:
i never steal ideas!!!!
jordo... says:
download "cold war boys" of mininova
jordo... says:
really good
Thaozee says:
better not be gay russian porn...
jordo... says:
cold war kids
jordo... says:
sorry, cold war boys is russian porn
jordo... says:
with midgets
Thaozee says:
gay underage russina porn...if the FBI come..I swear man..
jordo... says:
on ice skates
Thaozee says:
!!!

Drunk, high, and discussing Buddhist philosophies with 2 American rappers...

2006-11-06T19:45:00.000+11:00

...is how Becc's and Tadd's engagement party ended for me. It was a fun night. I wore a suit (pinstripe, gangsta number) because I wanted to look a bit more special for their special moment, and I thought everyone else was going to be dressed up. Not so. But atleast I looked completely boss.

I nearly didn't make it though. I had some kind of sickness that was jamming my motor functions. I couldn't concentrate for most of the night. My eyes wanted to vomit things that were not tears. Things were leaking in the back of my mind. I had to maintain, but all I wanted to do was shout and clap my hands.

Now I have to go hire action movies for my parents

You don't mind Thao, but you don't like the idea of the Thao

No really does mean no

2006-11-02T06:04:00.000+11:00

What the shit? Blogger works now. They must have trained new monkeys to run the treadmills. Go monkey go! Here's a banana.

NO MONKEY NO! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN !

BONZAAAAAA

2006-10-27T04:22:00.000+10:00

In the last couple of weeks I've been helping my cousin pick her children up from school. She's been stuck at the doctor's or the hospital a lot. I'm the only person that doesn't work 5 days a week and can easily skip work, so it fell to me.

The first couple of times were pretty interesting. I would walk down to the school, putting on my best non-vagabond face. If anyone talked to me I was prepared to answer them in a heavy british accent. All toffy like ol chap. I was trying my darn best to appear nothing like a drug dealer or child pervert. Or both. It all fell to shit when I appeared behind the fence and was greeted with Bianca bursting into tears shouting "I want mummy!". Now I know these kids. They come around sunday morning to punch Uncle Thao in the balls while he is asleep and hung over. That's why the first time picking up Brandon was worse. I Jumped through the door with a hearty BRANDON! and my arms outspread. The teacher came up and asked him if he knows me and the little shit shakes his head. So there I was feeling as awkward as a man with an erection in a giraffe cage. When I finally sorted it out (by calling his mum to confirm), and we walked out the door, the brat giggles and shouts at me "LET'S GO UNCLE THAO!".

These days it is better. I get greeted with an "UNCLE THAO! OVER HERE!" and when I stand there at the playground watching them play on the monkey bars, they tell the other kids that over there stands their Uncle Thao. Then they smile and wave. I can't help but feel fucking great. I'm soaring on the g-force of gods, man. It really is all worth it.

--------

I've been having trouble posting on blogger. The fucking hag of a place throws out errors and refuses to comply with my demands. Damn you Blogger. I couldn't even leave a comment on my own blog. Shit sucks

Sometimes, someone gives you an offer you can't refuse...

2006-10-27T01:53:00.000+10:00

I'm back, safe. Missed you.

It's my unicorn riding face

2006-10-10T03:55:00.000+10:00

It's nearly my birthday again. 14th of October. What do I have to show for 23 years of lounging on this planet? Well, this:

I promise you I'm doing the best I can.

:) :D One of us is different from the other

2006-09-29T06:30:00.000+10:00

I stepped in. I had done this many times before. I extended my arm to push the button, displaying my uncanny ability to press the right floor number without even looking. Yes, I was in a lift and on my way to the 8th floor.
Up and up it went, a mechanical bullet barreling through the sky. I often would close my eyes and imagine myself as a secret agent, heading up to headquarters to celebrate my victory over evil terrorists…

The other day I got stuck inside a lift. One of the old lifts in the collingwood flats. I wasn't there too long though, only about 20 minutes at the most. It wasn't a defining moment like I hoped it would be. There was no blinding revelation. I didn't start calling a volley ball Wilson. There was little drama... Maybe there was panic. Some sprinkling of claustrophobia. Groucho Marx impersonations. Dying for a cigarette. Handstands (it's easy inside a mechanical beast). Kung Fu poses. Wailing air guitars.

…I heightened my senses to detect any sound or movement. What was that? A mouse? Cables snapping? Superman? Maybe this was a surprise party. Maybe my family and all my friends would jump out from their hiding positions and shout ‘SUPPLIES’ (in broken english) as the lights came on...

I love you all my lovelies. Let's all have mad sex. Together. Smiley face, grin.

I'm left numb, without the means of explanation

2006-09-22T04:04:00.001+10:00

Would you understand when I say there's fire behind the mask?

Love takes you to the strangest places

But I never loved, I knew no better.

But you go willingly

Never willingly, oh never willingly. I never asked for this.

The gunshot and laughter is the last thing they remembered

2006-09-22T03:46:00.000+10:00

I need mania. I need laughter and hammers. I need to see beautiful birds, wrestling in multi-coloured jelly. I need to hear small bells, sing lullaby's to the scared masses. I need the string section to play while I run on rooftops. I need to play the saxaphone like I'm putting in the Mortal Kombat blood code on the super nes. I need to throw electric guitars through buildings and taunt kids with guns. I need to be there for the crowning of the new prince of Bel-air. I need to explode onto the acting scene as a child in charming family movies, then a few years later fade from the public eye. I need to be shot into the sky to puncture the drums of the gods.

who is lost to the world, Stay Alive
January, February, March, April, May, I'm alive
June, July, August, September, October, I'm alive
November, December, yah all through the winter, I'm alive
I'm alive

I need help, but who will buy? And who will sell?

Bring da rum! Thar be wenches

2006-09-19T17:06:00.000+10:00

It be i'rnational talk like ye pirate day ya wenches an landlubbers! Ye be wantin scurvy? *places right hand and cutlass* Sparrow ain't got shit on me

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

Cheesy pirate jokes ahoy cap'n.

"What does a pirate keep his money in?"

A JARRRRrrrggh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monster Mash RHRHRHHRHRHR

2006-09-19T04:00:00.000+10:00

He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash

Oh I think I'm going crazy. The other day while walking on the track near Croydon swinny, I heard very loud opera singing. At first I though it was a doof head detox session, but it got louder and louder. Suddenly a giant man came over the hill singing opera songs at the tops of his lungs. I veered left to let him pass, in-case he started singing battle arias and wail on me with his battle axe. Man, I wish I was as happy as this guy. He was on top of his game. Had quite a good voice.

Nemo? COO COOOO COOO!

2006-09-12T05:43:00.000+10:00

The other when I came home drunk, I made good on my promise to watch Finding Nemo before going to sleep. Only when I reached the credits, and wondered why the movie was over so fast, did I realize that I had been watching it at 2X fast forward with subtitles on.

When the hounds come around, I go to the bottle

2006-09-10T04:48:00.000+10:00

As I walked into my room, I had the odd sensation of not recognising anything in it. I could not get comfortable on my futon. No manner of leaning could dispell the feeling of discomfort. Feet up, feet down, twisting and turning... I had realized, too late, that I had lurched into a party where I knew no one. I had a strange feeling that the memories associated with the rooms contents were not my own. And that these past stories were created before I was even there. I was a mere apparition of these past tunes. A silhouette, lingering on at the behest of demanding memories. A change of socks fixed everything.

So I tried to embarrass Ol'Stuntcock in front of his workmates while not getting kicked out of the pub. A balance of Ying and Yang baby! Spring breeds mayhem. I nearly got into a biffo in the toilets (which was diffused with liberal doses of the phrase "fuck off mate!") and was scared everytime a security guard walked towards me. I swear someone spiked my drink or something...

Congratulations to my fruity lover in getting engaged. I thought I dreamt it up in a drunken haze. Too bad I didn't get to catch up with you, Crackers and Mel. Somehow I imagine you doing the Hosey as your wedding dance...

Something like a phenomenon

2006-09-02T19:02:00.001+10:00

Spring is here. And with it the good weather. And with the good weather, Thao gets the thirst. The overriding urge to slip into deck chairs, cut pants into shorts, spray paint vague slogans onto t-shirts, dust out the stubby holders, pop on Buena Vista Social Club and wolf whistle at pretty young things in polka dot dresses. We will sit around drinking port, smoke cigars and discuss Oscar Wilde. Oh the beautiful amber liquid will pour freely into glasses. Liquid sensual, raw and lively. Old ladies will be cheering my name from the 8 items or less line, throwing hands in the air like victims in a cop show.

Oh, I aim to get reckless.

But, most importantly, I finally get some proper work cranking.

Get your crunk on (that's right, I went there)

We were built to wah wah the empire

2006-09-01T02:01:00.000+10:00

I've been meaning to post this.

I've started the ball rolling for my great escape. You can all start calling me the cooler king right now. Only time will reveal my subtle plan, or MI5 agents. Here's to not being here. Cheers yo!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

2006-08-29T03:48:00.000+10:00

I'm gonna go light some firecrackers down the road! I hope they work, cause I found them at the bottom of my closet. And if people come running out asking what I'm doing, I'll reply:

I'll do graffiti if you sing to me in french!

Sow that confusion in their minds. Let them know that I never forget....never...

FOOOOORGGGGGGIIIIIIIVVVVEE!

Rolling with Jane Austen, foo

2006-08-25T02:45:00.000+10:00

When I was younger, my sister used to force me to read Jane Austen books with her. So I am unfortunate enough to know a fuckload of those novels. I know to use 'Persuasion' to line my walls to keep in the heat, and Pride and Prejudice to get the fire started. 'Sense and Sensibility' should be used (instead of 'Emma') if you find yourself short on toilet paper, only because it is the only 18th century novel that feels like 3 ply. 'Emma' is only good for preserving meat, or maybe as a source for serial killers to cut out letters so they can write their creepy letters. After saying all that though, I don't mind the novels. Who doesn't like to read about smouldering glares from across the ball room? Pompous language that holds back the swelling of emotions that these protaganists try to hold back. Dry, "I-can-sand-the-edges-of-highschool-woodwork-projects", wit. Class-less women, hoisted by parents towards the Bingley's, and the Darcy's, and the Wick's... gentleman that fell asleep years ago.

When I first read these novels (or heard my sister read them) I, unfortunately, started to emulate the way of speaking. It still happens today (to an extent) when I read my 18th century mystery/thrillers. I get a desire to ride horses across fields, and call on eligible young women to join me at my castle. Ancient speech pops into my head. I really don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I just watched the most recent cinema adaption of Pride and Prejudice. The novel aped by Bridget Jones and her diarys. If I had to sum it up in a couple of seconds? Pretty good. I didn't even mind Keira 'Horse face neigh neigh' Knightly. Seriously, Knightly has 2 expressions. Her normal face, and her 'emotion' face, which consists of her looking like she just smelled her own flatulence.

Yes. I'm re-reading Pride and Prejudice right now. To balance it out, and regain some of my manliness mojo, I will leave my internet downloading porn in the background.

Damn you Mav the stealth, poker shark. Don't you know I'm God of Gambler? and possibly loco?

There's movement in the hills

2006-08-18T03:32:00.000+10:00

Who was the first person to truly move you? Someone who made you see beyond your meager boundaries. The leg up to see over the hills.

I knew a girl once. When I was 15. She was a year older than me. A runaway, living with her friends. She was not a super hot goddess or a person of stupendous intelligence. Quite plain now that I think back. She had a small, sing-song voice. Like bells. And the most remarkable eyes. The phrase "dancing eyes" is an apt description. They were her wells, and they sucked in her surroundings. It seemed like she was always seeing things from above, like watching from a mountain. A glass pane, behind a glass pane, behind a glass pane... and laughter and defiance behind. She would draw those remarkable things towards you, and stare earnestly. She had a habit of staring that way for just a tiny bit too long, and it felt like she had slipped a hand under your shirt. We were friends and companions. But nothing as concrete as boyfriend and girlfriend. I was more her student, and she the unknowing teacher. I idolized her. It was like finding fire for the first time.

Pelvic thrusting to keep morale up

2006-08-16T16:28:00.000+10:00

The other day I worked in Springvale clearing out a small factory. It was an easy job that a guy I know set up. I had 2 other guys working with me. Clearing boxes. Sweeping floors. Same old. Well, same old until the other 2 guys stopped working. I didn't see them for a good 20 minutes so I went looking for them. I found the lazy fucks, in a corner, shooting up junk. It took them a good smack heads amount of time to turn around and notice me. It was like the face turned before the eye's did. "hey homes" (they thought I was Sherlock Holmes?) "Want some?". "Get up and work ya lazy fucks!". Laughter. What a great week. WOOOOOOOOOO what a great week. if only I didn't have to pay so much this month. Life is grand, til it ain't.

I haven't been well this month. I thought I had things finally under some decent control. My car crash continues to suck my vitals out. Pay more, pay more. It would have been fine if I had some work this month

Thunder, lighting and a bit of BOOM BOOM

2006-08-13T02:32:00.000+10:00

DRUNK RUNK DRUNK DRUNK!!w wait, how about this tides you over till my head is replaced and I can think?

What is the worst thing you've been caught doing?

BOULDER DASH! POPPY COCK!

Darling won't you come, run away with me. I want to belong, but I'd rather be free

2006-08-08T01:21:00.000+10:00

Fun with street art.

Iron & Wine

2006-08-05T05:40:00.000+10:00

I can't sleep again and all I have in my head is the cycling of the phrase "Tonight we're the scent of your long black hair". I can tell you right now that I can see forever. Maybe I should attempt to knit some brainslugs as presents. I tried once before and couldn't even get started. Or maybe I should just hoff down some painkillers and hope they zonk me out.

It's 222-2222

2006-08-04T05:02:00.000+10:00

I have waited 2 days for people who have given me 10 days to pay. Waiting and listening to that infernal "please-hold" music. Waiting for my chance to talk and turn my voice into some sort of cock-shaped soundwave so I could plunge it repeatedly through their skulls. But all I get is the message bank ('cause Debbie isn't here yo) and a promise that she will call me back. Did I ring fucken Del La Soul or something?

I can see the soles of your shoes

2006-08-02T02:25:00.000+10:00

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in 2000. Which prompted me to reel my life back from the cycle of guilt and oblivion chasing I had been embarking on. It gave me a purpose and another chance at helping someone live. Purpose. Real purpose. Purpose in life, purpose in career, purpose in love. I guess it's a trait of my core character. I have never truly been able to neatly fit myself in this world. I have a guilt ridden need to find my purpose, I need to believe that I am here, and this is there and you are over there and everything is what it should be. It always manifests itself as a need to help people live. Not that I am nice, but more I am driven by memories. I think that I can find my core being hiding behind the frogger machine in the fish and chip shop. I watch my friends, thinking they have it. A clear sense of their being. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. It's ironic though that as my father was dying, I found new life sparkling in the wells of my soul. A second chance to make amends.

There really wasn't much I could do though. Sit with him. Crush his medicine and food and inject it into his stomach. I had all this willing energy, but I couldn't do enough. I wished I could flex my muscles and punch reality. I watched him, thinking that if I made him laugh more, the disease wouldn't spread so quickly. Laughter was all I could do for him. I sat by his bedside, watching him breath, cycling through the same thoughts "I've let him down. I've let them both down. Please, you can't take both from me". Please. please. please.

I hate that I can't answer everything. Can't be there all the time. Can't do everything. Can't fix all problems. I also hate that I can't say "I've been through what has happened to you" and explain how to take all the pain away (have I told you?). But I stand muted and angry at myself. I'm sorry about your father. I'm sorry S.S. I'm sorry to my family for making a mess of things again. I'm sorry for spilling the milk. Sigh, sigh fucken sigh. I know what you're thinking. "Neurotic fuckwit". And really, that's not far from the truth. I'm really trying to explain myself, to myself.

And now I have an annoying eye lash in my eye, so I will type no more for now.

Except for Superman Returns goes for waaaaay too long. I think at one point, Lois Lane whispered into Superman's ear "When is this movie going to end?"

An open challenge

2006-07-31T16:22:00.000+10:00

A new challeneg for life. Hats off to anyone that can achieve it. You must have sex in cement that hasn't set yet. It will be fraught with danger, as you will never know when the cement will set (DANGER MAKES PEOPLE HORNY!). And once you're done, you'll have a nice outline of your bodies. Kinda like a "I waz 'ere" thing. Except you would be pointing out outlines of your mangler (or whatever you call your genitalia)

I can hear the children cry

2006-07-19T16:44:00.000+10:00

"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?"

Mahatma Gandhi

There is no right or wrong. Just suffering. The world mind buckles under the weight of it all.

Stranger, strange, I knew I knew you

2006-07-14T04:26:00.000+10:00

I keep waking up with cuts on my body (mostly concetrated upon my back). Thin lines that snake down a couple of centimetres. And I don't know where (or remember where) I get them from. I don't sleep on a bed of pirate hooks. Nor do I wrestle with machete wielding lion kings. I don't even t-t-t-tangle with Freddy Krueger. But I see them in the morning. Not lions, cuts. And I'm terribly addicted to picking the scabs. Self mutilation to feed an addiction. Yes please?

I've been staring at my lamp for about 2 hours. Evidently, it took 672 times of turning the lamp on and off to blow my light bulb. Now there's a fact to pull a crowd. Tonight I go to see Death Cab for Cutie.

Sergeant Tom Croydon

2006-07-13T05:54:00.000+10:00

I forgot to mention the police came before (at about 12:30am), but I don't think they wanted me this time. *wipes brow and continues snorting the burny*

Let me sleep Garfield, you sadistic demon!

2006-07-13T04:08:00.000+10:00

Now, Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead man's chest.

I would give the first one 4 out of 5 and this second one 3 out of 5.

It's a enjoyable movie and I did like it. The jokes are getting even more cheesy, but most work. Johnny Depp is still the star of the show, while Orlando "I'd rather be snorting elf cocaine" Bloom and Kiera "my acting consists of horse face" Knightley flounder about. The CG is quite nice. The action (although stretched) is fun to watch. But...

Way too long. And shoe horning in a "trilogy" is very noticeable. You can't set up a storyline, then leave EVERYTHING up in the air for the 3rd movie. I think Disney forgot that it was originally based on a ride, not some "epic" trilogy type franchise. The first movie was pure fun, it's appeal was that it took you on a great adventure without being too taxing plot wise. The only thing this movie did was get all the characters back together, using pretty flimsy premises. Norington! what are you doing in this drinking hole?(how convenient), Will and Eliz finding Jack very easily...etc And play on the Jack and Elizabeth attraction (which alot of fans wanted). You kinda feel cheated. For it's length, it's basically a movie that sets up the 3rd movie. 2 and a half hours of set-up, although fun in bits, is not cool. The main plot is no where near resolved, and they spring another major plot at the end. They should have made it more self contained (like the first movie) and still have that ending.

They tried to make Jack Sparrow heroic when he really was always an anti-hero that feels more comfortable looking after himself. Which is his appeal. He is a pirate afterall. Most of the trouble they get into is Jack's fault. Which makes that ending all the more strange. The return of a cerain character is nice, too bad we have to wait for number 3.

All in all, a decent if flawed sequel.

I was appalled to catch a trailer of a movie called "The Lake House". Appalled because it is a remake of a Korean drama called "Il Mare". Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. They look more like brother and sister than lovers. I'd rather watch 2 hours of Keanu Reeves snorting the burny. And they're remaking "My Sassy Girl" too. Bah, I say. Bah!

OFF TO MAKE SOME HONG KONGNESE MILK TEA~

2006-07-12T23:40:00.000+10:00

I'M IN YOUR HOUSE, LICKING YOUR BITTER TEARS OFF YOUR FACE!

LICK LICK LICK LICK LICK!!!!

let it be known...

2006-07-12T23:36:00.000+10:00

...That when I expire (Hard drive crash, RAM error, brain chip gone), I want to be lowered into a hole with molten liquid, with my thumb up in the air and a recording of my voice saying "I cannot self terminate".

you fart and cup it, and..."I've got the whole world, in mah hands!"

2006-07-08T05:31:00.000+10:00

I'm furiously willing myself to get better. I've been sick all week and I need to get back to work. Everytime I cough it feels like punches are flying out of my mouth, like Cyclops from X-Men...except punches come out of his eyes.

Today I was annoyed by a door to door salesman that didn't know when to quit. He was spruiking his Electric company. Not what I want to see when cultists was invoking Cthulhu in my throat. "What!" I croaked. "Hi! Are you interested in changing your services to --- ---?". I couldn't find my Shakespeare quotation book so I couldn't recite him away. "No" I barked, or whispered. Used to that response, he pressed on with a spirited speech about the benefits of his company. "No thanks" I pushed, wanting him to gaze into my fist of dread, or maybe an arm to fall off Monty Python style. "I'm not interested. I'm happy with who I am with now". He still stood there poised to talk. Evidently he didn't know that evil white wizard Saruman was creating a race of the Superior Uruk-hai fighting orcs right there in the pits of my mouth. "Tell me what rates you are getting and we'll compare them to our rates" he droned, like a recording was tripped inside him. He was trying to buy more sand for his hourglass. "We'll compare them". He had his time. I looked up at him. "I'm going to eat you" I muttered, then pushed my glasses up.

"Pardon?"

....

"Nothing. I'm really sick. Come back next time."

This is not my beer Becc!

2006-07-07T03:52:00.000+10:00

I've avoided writing in this blog. I put it off until I forgot about it. It's not that I don't want to write. It's more I don't want to write what I'm thinking. I sit down and the my stream of thought becomes dark and murky. Things can be misunderstood by any unfortunate reader. be calm sucker.

I must get this place up to scratch though.

My boy in Canada has safely arrived home, and I can't help but think that maybe everything's going to be alright after all. It's strange really, it feels like he hasn't left. Not to say that I haven't missed him, but he fits back into my life like a glove. He has changed, but it's still him. The boy I threw rocks at before we became friends. He's acquired an accent, and strays from an Aussie drawl to a Canadian swirling of words with an "r". He sometimes ends his sentences with "ey", which makes me wonder why I don't end my sentences with "jerk". Just, you know, slip it in there casual like. "So I was walking down the street...jerk" *grin* It's good to have you back Quicky.

June and July is national wallet voodoo months. It's when the person who has an effigy of my wallet is stabbing it with pins and reciting curses. Every week is a fucken birthday, and my wallet cries tears of pure dollars. But it sure is fun. The most recent was Flyboy's, where we got hopped up on cocktails. Cheaps cocktails have a tendency to not make you feel effeminate. Especially when you buy 6 at once. And there were no security so no danger of getting ejected by people who's name could only possibly be Big Bertha, be it male or female. We worked out the proper way for a straight male to hug another straight male. You hug normally, but you pat them on the back 3 times. Then, optionally, you can seperate and add in some killer handshake moves. Then Flyboy dropped his pants twice, so it was only a matter of time before we got kicked out of the new club. Aren't birthdays great?

The night ended with me and Flyboy skolling Straight vodka, goonbag (Baysy briefcase) and chasing it with a redback beer, because we couldn't find Flyboy's beer. Cue morning when we sat around drinking tea watching a mechanical toy penguin waddle around a table for 2 to 4 minutes.

The World Cup is winding down and I'm saddened to see it go. Another 4 years :( Fuck you

I need to get back into this writing jobby.

Feelings and such

2006-06-24T13:24:00.000+10:00

Ever get that feeling you're riding a burning bull down a small alley, while people are throwing spears at you...and you have to perfectly cut a cake?

How little the universe knows about the nature of real cruelty

2006-06-24T08:30:00.000+10:00

I wish I had really known you, and loved you. Instead I only idolised you.

I would have asked you to stay. I still hate myself you know. Would you be proud of what I've become?

(Why am I still awake?)

JOGA BONITO!

2006-06-23T08:26:00.000+10:00

WE'RE IN!!! I LOVE YOU ALL! I FUCKEN LOVE YOU ALL! IN MY MIND WE'RE ALL RIDING UNICORNS! UNICORNS WITH BEER HOLDERS!

Extreme zoom, then a slow pan. CUT!

2006-06-20T09:19:00.000+10:00

The fucken law is sending me prank summons!

I found myself lounging around in the bowels of the law, bit's and pieces of law breakers and lawbringers flittering past my view. Watching old lawyers chatting up the young, hot court workers (one guy told some bullshit joke that ended with "...and they were recycled cyclists! harr harr harr!!") and police officers talking about the World Cup. It was funny watching smackheads try to stand in line. Can't be done. They take drugs to stop straight line functions. One guy even acclaimed that he was, and I qoute, "on smack, crack and all that". I had to wait for my name to be call over the PA, but it didn't help that the PA system was manned (womanned?) by a woman with the most breathy sexy voice I've heard in a while. I couldn't understand her english, let alone strain my ears to pick up the inevitable mis-pronounciation of my name. I think she called Eminem to court 3 at one point.

I was wondering who I was going to get for a duty lawyer. There was one guy I wanted. I nicknamed him "The Wolf". He looked like someone who eats the law for fun. He has hired younglings shoveling infringements and technicalities into his gaping maw. He bathes on the sweat of lesser lawyers. He suckles on the lactating nipple of law herself. He looked immense, and I wanted him to cast his reassuring shadow over my broken frame.

They gave me Mr. Bean instead.

Mr. Bean who, after listening to my sorry tale, proceeded to tell me that he didn't actually care how I came to broke the law, but he need to know the tale to explain it to the judge...then nervously laughed. That was some kind of joke!? Mr. Bean who told me that I was allowed to go get some lunch but had to be back at 1pm, but forgets to mention that the actual courts were adjourned for lunch till 2pm. You bumbling fool of a lawyer. In Soviet Russia, law paddles you.

I was afraid of falling asleep. Scared I would wake up with suprise infringements slipped into my pockets, or cocaine sprinkled on my chest by prank prone coppers. Was wondering if my named was picked out of a hat, to be the one criminal for the day that the courts would fuck with? (it was unfair since there were two T. Nguyens on the list). Court workers would be elbowing each other and nodding towards me in a knowing fashion. Were they watching me from the safety of a camera? Pointing at me and taking bets? "Look at him," they'd say, "just look at him". They would lead me into a darkened court room and beat me up with door knobs in stockings. They would tell me I was their bitch. Didn't help that I was doing Collins class submarine farts all day. The kind that feel like they should be silent, but make an audible sound to be heard by all.

But finally I made it into court. It was a tiny room. I was squeezed in amongst my criminal peers. Mr. Bean turned around and reassured everyone that we got the good magistrate. He was known to be easy to deal with. The judge even rocked up and exclaimed "Let's get this show on the road. Rock and roll" (I shit you not). Then my lawyer came up to me and asked me to step outside.

The police officers didn't have my report with them. They had lost it along the way. I would have to come back in a month. I had waited nearly 6 hours for this!!! Could they not send over a new copy? "No". Was the copper shot in the line of duty, clutching the last known copy of my report? Did the bullet shatter the files as it flew through his badge and plunged into his bloated arteries? Well!?

It was a shithouse day and I wanted to go home. I expected I would find Danny Glover in my toilet, strapped to a bomb and shouting "I'm getting to old for this shit Riggs!". You and me both Danny, you and me both.

The music always sounds so sad at the end of a wedding reception

2006-06-19T04:31:00.000+10:00

I'm joining my mate in boycotting winter. You'll find me down at the carpark with my shirt ripped off shouting "I defy you!", into the starry night. It doesn't even snow. No blanket of white to rouse the senses. I can't feel and I can't feel. I think I may need help. I'm listening to The Velvet Underground - Stephanie says, and it reminds of a Stephanie I knew back in primary. I think she stayed at my school till grade 2 - 3. A tomboy that appealed to my young mind. My last memory of her was when she kicked me in the knee. I think she liked me. She lightly blew on my hands once for warmth, in the water. Do people do that anymore?

What are you doing these days Stephanie? Do you want to come back to my yacht and drink champagne?

Australia just lost to Brazil so I'm pounding each key with the same sort of desperate enthusiasm I recall feeling during my short-lived combat career.

[MP3] The Velvet Underground - Stephanie says

Locked in Battle with the Football World Cup

2006-06-14T20:01:00.000+10:00

Like a brainslug from Futurama, the World Cup has latched on my head and taken control. I...speak...like...this...now...bitches. I'll be back soon blogger baby. Back to weep tears of bubbling acid while I sing the song that ends the world. La La La La La!!!

GO AUSTRALIA AND SPAIN!

Joga Bonita!

Type your name on the keyboard with your forehead

2006-06-02T01:05:00.000+10:00

67yuh6 - not even one letter

Awhile back my friend gave way to an old man crossing the road. I like to think that it put his faith back into the youth of the world.
You know what Gladys? If this is any indication of todays youth, I think it's going to be alright after all *knowing wink* ( 'ave a Werther's original! )

I'm still sick. Trying to hobble to the weekend to air out my brains. I've been drugged up for a week now and I don't feel like I'm myself. I feel more like a clone made by my real father, the twisted Bolivian geneticist who has designs on world domination. The kind of demented type that reads you Humpty Dumpty, but doesn't read the ending. "It's a life lesson son. Humpty Dumpty was made of shell and shame. Being a clone in highschool will be brutal. Toughen up.".

Today I went to a bookstore with T-ir and Bryanface (aka Ellen Degeneras), and this store owner accosted us. He looked like the man that time remembered. Time comes around each day for tea and cuts more wrinkles on his face. I made the decision that if he came within 1 metre of me, I would have to kill him and hide the body in the shadows, where no passers-by will ever dare look.

This has Zeus's M.O all over it.

2006-06-01T00:49:00.000+10:00

Oh dreamy world, you have cast me out.
Working at farms,
makes the cold wind hit you,
like the fist of an angry god.
My face is melting,
Like that guy in Raiders of the lost ark.
All I see,
in my pain-killer fueled dreams,
is a million farmers,
coughing to a Daft Punk song...

BEWL, bewl-bewl-bewl-bewl, bewl-bewl-bewl-bewl, BEWL, BEWL!

He walks like he's still laying in a hammock!

2006-05-24T04:30:00.000+10:00

2 uni students accosted me today at a farm. They were doing a project on farm workers and wanted to take some pictures. I tried to convince them that I spoke minimal english and that I had 5 children to take care off. My name was Dong and I was an illegal immigrant. My cover was blown when the group leader came over and told them I was joking. Stupido!. After that they got suss on me.

I did get in one bit when they were filming. I walked past the camera, showing them my attempt at the world speed record for the nonchalant walk. I had a bag of branches on my back and I swear, the way I was walking that day, I coulda walked straight to Milan. Then I would kiss my biceps and announce "This one's for Royal Children's Hospital". Man, I'm smooth.

Next in my car theme is car crashes...or illegal things to do with cars. Considering why I lost my licence, it's relevant.

[MP3] Neko case - Star witness

This is a dark, noir-country sounding song. It starts off with her true love crashing his car and drowning in the oil pan of the vehicle. "There were no survivors". It doesn't sound as sad as the lyrics may indicate. The lyrics are fantastically brutal, without sounding it. "There's glass in my thermos, blood on my jeans". It sound's alot like someone recounting the past. Beautiful song and my favorite off "Fox Confessor brings the flood" (which is a pretty tops album too)

[MP3] Bruce Springsteen - Stolen car

I can't have a theme about cars without putting up a Bruce Springsteen song. Nearly half his back catalogue has something to do with cars and driving them. The protaganist talks about his lost love and hopes to be nicked by the cops while he's driving a stolen car. It's a flirtation with being destroyed that appeals to me (cops getting him).

[MP3] Eskimo Joe - Car crash

From a very underrated album. Perfectly shows off the lead singers strange vocals. A nice simple song. A tortured voice, a guitar and a child-like piano in the background. "I don't wanna die in a car crash with you".

Dropping your cigarette while on the freeway is insane

2006-05-22T22:49:00.000+10:00

Driving, for me, was the only thing I felt I had control of. As I barreled down the freeway at 3am, I made myself imagine that right at that moment I could go anywhere I wanted. Just punch that accelerator and away I bloody went. Cigarette hanging from my mouth, wind flowing through the open wndows. I've never felt I've had much control of anything else. It's like things have already been decided for me. I have a quota to work to. I do things that must be done. But I don't work for the desire of anything anymore. There's not much colour in what I see. Driving let me dream for a little while that I was doing what I wanted. But now I know that I've never had a way out (atleast one that I can visualize). There's not much beyond that hill. And there's not much behind me either. So I keep my mind in a permanent rush and hope that I never stop long enough to think about it. I'm feeling a bit melancholy...and maybe some infinite sadness. Fuck you Billy Corgan! I have about 11 months to go. Anyway, thanks to everyone that's been giving me lifts. I feel like an invalid.

I'm going to start uploading some music from now on. This week's music theme is cars and driving.

Since I'm always needing people to drive me around these days, I'm putting up Death Cab for Cutie - Passenger Seat from the Transatlanticism album. It's a slow song driven by a piano that's being played underwater (or atleast it sounds like that) and Ben Gibbard singing while marooned on Sputnik. "With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter." Enjoy.

[MP3] Death Cab for Cutie - Passenger seat

And I awoke

2006-05-21T05:33:00.000+10:00

Smell analogy of the night:

It was like a naked fat man was shoving razor blades down my nostrils.

I discriminate against non sexy people

2006-05-20T05:53:00.000+10:00

As I was walking home tonight, completly off my nut, I witnissed something that was just off the radar. I cut across the school oval (like I always do), and noticed a strange light right at the corner of the basketball court. There was a guy with a metal detector trawling the oval. I kid you not. I walked past him, then turned around and asked "what are you looking for" and he replied "things". He had a light on his hat and everything. I'm talking 5:30am complete darkness. What are the odds of a man with complete metal detecting gear, losing something metallic?

Oh and my mobile phone has been acting up. So if anyone sent me a message between now and I dunno when, chances are I didn't get it. And it's been messing up my phone calls as well, as it says that my phone is disconnected or something. It's not. I've reseted my phone and all is good. Continue sending me random swear words

We'll spend mother's day licking the internet!

2006-05-16T00:09:00.000+10:00

I spent nearly 2 hours racing and calling around different restaurents because the place I had booked for 12:30pm gave me a table in the city, instead of Knox city. Finding a place not booked out on Mother's day is harder than getting the wiggles to eat turds.

I did finally find a decent yum cha place in springvale, on the eve of me cracking it and buying a KFC family pack and heading home with DVD's. We sat next to 3 cackling witches, who's laughter probably gave everyone cancer. You know, the kind of people who sound like they not only smoke 5 packets of cigarettes a day, but actually eat the butts when they finish. Their laughter was like the sound of 10,000 penguins being sucked into a black hole.

Playing the simpson's version of Cluedo on the weekend, we got to thinking that a B-grade action star Cluedo would rock pretty damn hard. It was Van damme, in the strip bar, with the flying knee!

No, it was Steven Seagal, in prison and he used a roundhouse kick!

Murder most foul!

I intend to hold you for the longest time

2006-05-13T05:19:00.000+10:00

I've been getting these massive bouts of fatigue lately, where I sleep for 10+ hours and I wake up with the whole day gone. I should be thankful since I haven't had much insomnia for awhile now, but I really hate missing out on the day. I go to sleep and it's night time, and wake up at night feeling like someone has been pummeling me while I was out. Oh and the dreams I get.

One particular dream starts of with me walking casually down the street. I stop suddenly, as I can hear the faintest sound of something in the air. The sound gets louder and louder and pretty soon I can make out what seems to be the start of Billy Joel's "Longest Time". I look at where the sound is coming from and brace myself as black forms start to appear along the horizon. People as far as the eye can see, humming "Longest Time" and marching towards. They get to me and surround me. Humming their infernal tune.

Then the whole place erupts, and I find myself leading them into singing "Longest Time".

It's like someone has just flipped the light at a suprise party. The place is bathed in pure fucken glee. And we're shouting this song in perfect harmony and it extends all around the world. It basically becomes a full world party, the likes of which someone in Nigeria would break a glass and the whole world shouts back "TAXI!". The sound is like Care Bears having boxing matches in your ears. Like you're sucking every single fucken colour in the world through a tiny straw. Like you're bathing in children's laughter. Everything just seems right. The world becomes this single organism that moves together in one cosmic hip thrust. And life just seems like it's being run on dreams and starlight.

Then I wake up. And the whole world becomes instant turds as my eye's focus. I dive back to sleep, hoping to get the same dream. But this is the best bit:

The dream continues where it left off.

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

2006-05-10T02:34:00.000+10:00

Imagine everyone in Romeo and Juliet was played by Arnold Schwarzenegger...

I had a quick read through of this book again, and I still hate the damn thing. If I had a fire place, these books would be my fuel.

*I do like the biting of thumbs bit though. I've tried to shout at people like that but they just don't understand.*

I say old bean, fuck you

2006-05-09T02:08:00.000+10:00

Look at Jeeves smiling in the background.

Working at farms, I'm getting used to immigration officers visiting unannounced. I've seen 4-5 raids now in my time. Sometimes the farm owners warn people (at a considerable risk to themselves). But mostly they can't do a thing. Some owners even call the authorities, hoping that they would not have to pay the 'illegal' workers. A person pretending to speak spanish would call them a "bastido", or in the lesser known language of english, a bastard.

I'm always amused when they come to talk to me. My accent is the Australian equivalent to the Texas drawl. One could indeed call it the Australian drawl. Also, one could then punch me in the face for dragging out that fact about my accent into no less than 3 sentences.

Whatever people think of 'illegals' and their apparent 'stealing of jobs', it's interesting when you talk to farm owners about their views. Most farmers I've talked to have the same view. If there were no 'illegals' and backpackers working the fields, then most likely no one would do it. The pay ain't great and it's back breaking labour. They estimate that a large percentage of their workers are 'illegals'. If that amount suddenly all vanish, they would lose alot. It's an interesting situation.

Anyway, I'm gonna go shout "I spekka no england" to the officers to see if that pistol whip me. Maybe they'll send me back to my own country, in which case, a free holiday. I really hope I look Fijian. Everyone back to my holiday hut for sex on the beach and sex on the beach.

It's cause I'm drunk. Before I forget. It was more crazy before I snipped it

2006-05-07T04:56:00.000+10:00

Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
bryan!! snap out of it
Bryan says:
im back. iu had to gfet the washing in. mums like your up anway coz the shed door was baning so i was gonna close it so she said get the washing in
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
HahhaHAHAHAH. thats the most bogan thing in ive ever heard
Bryan says:
lol
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
dont pass out
Bryan says:
i cant even be fucked typing
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
Hahahaha. im ready to party. B. A. Baracus styles from the A team
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
troy must be having a cunt of the time. waiting for koshy. rage ain't pulling up any sort of relevant sht. channel has 10 has somr kind of wacked out "Scared factor" show
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
channel seven has Tom jones!!!!. ive actually read the book.
Bryan says:
chef tony is on 10
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
right im telling u right now...backwards tom jones is never recommended to a person thats pissed and had external sources of fun. it blows my mind
Bryan says:
ahahaahaaaa
Bryan says:
this mracle blade ad never ends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
i swear one day im actually gonna go crazy..and it'll be a boring non event. like waiting for popcorn to pop. it's inevitable
Bryan says:
that hef tony pruick is still goin
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
man i'll neve edit this enough to fit into a blog article
Bryan says:
fuck you and oyur blog. ill send armies. theyll uck it up
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
im editing as we speak. i still retain the crazy "man governments are afraid of us", but it comes with the "i'd rather be somewhere else" attitude. or 'toooode
Bryan says:
dont break my head. fuck you
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
i have to say, after relevant editing of this convo, you come of as a crazy man
Bryan says:
im always the bad guy. not even a fuckin anti hero
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
the fucken villain. it's who I blame if I eventually see a shrink. Ya dig?
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
fuck! i think i had a spiritual talk with troy and grug. and you're only copping it cause i know ur awake
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
infact
Ben has been added to the conversation.
MEst has been added to the conversation.
Thaozee (grappling with sexy female wrestlers) says:
sup

And to all you people...

2006-05-07T03:13:00.000+10:00

----- delete

A relevant change in our ever changing world:

It's cause I still find it funny

Rubik's cube! Transform and roll out!

2006-05-02T06:12:00.000+10:00

When I was younger, my parents worked at a farm. They used to take me and my cousins up there with them and we would play behind the shed, in some kind of sand pit thingy.

One day, while playing amongst the strawberry lanes, a German Shepard appeared out of nowhere, all teeth and loud growling noises and I waz built to ze German effiency of a killing machine!. You know, at this point the fat controller in your head presses the button that activates program: pants browning+girly shriek. One cousin bolted left, the other went right. I lashed down one of aisles. I heard it behind me and was just about to look back, when I tripped over a branch, and face planted the dirt and passed out. It was like I was an extra in some sci-fi movie, and the director is telling me "at this point, you trip over on your boots, and 15 horny aliens mate with your face". Gee, that's swell Spielberg.

When I came too, they were carrying me to the house. I was not injured except for a large bruise on my head. Limbs and sanity were still intact. The farm owners put me in the care of their son, who was abit older then me. He walked me into his room and showed me, what could only be described as, a child's dream world. He had all these fancy toys sitting on his shelves. Robots, cars, figurines...all gleaming in the midday sun. He told me I could take some of his toys. My eye's gleamed, and I imagine they would have become dollar symbols like in those cartoons (with cash register ka-ching sound fx of course). But then he ushered me to his closet and opened it to reveal his stash of dud toys. "Here you go. You can have these"

Amongst the bung toys was a left gumboot (no right foot) and a rubik's cube.

What the hell was a kid my age going to do with a fricken rubik's cube?

Years later, in a drunken haze, I blamed my friend Troy for the ordeal because he looks so much like a grown up version of that kid. You bastido troy!

*I'm aware Speilberg didn't direct aliens*

Building a case against myself...

2006-05-01T23:24:00.000+10:00

Everytime I see this Sony BRAVIA TV ad, with silky voiced Jose Gonzalez, I imagine I'm chucking myself down the hill along with the 250,000 bouncy balls. The hill is endless, and there's something beautiful about it as I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. Because there's colour, like no other.

Happy birthday Kateo. Hope you had a swell time. My word for the week is swell.

The queen and the thief...

2006-04-29T16:28:00.000+10:00

From the window, they see her
Tears falling on unfolded sheets
Who does she cry for?
The neighbours think I beat her.

Don't ask questions, just keep strumming and he'll go away...

2006-04-29T04:12:00.000+10:00

Now this is a blast from the past.

Near the end of my year 12, I decided I would go through my punk phase, because I had forgotten to go through that phase during all my years of highschool. I would fit it in before I graduated. If teen movies have taught me anything at all, it's that I have to punk it up atleast for a week.

This picture taken in my studio arts class on our dress up day. I actually painted those empire spikes with acrylic paint, which was a gigantic bitch to wash out at the end of the day. The picture is cropped so you can't see the plaid skirt (couldn't find a kilt) I was wearing (with sexy shorts underneath, ofcourse). Unfortunately I did not win the best dressed prize (forgot who did), but I did end up winning the overall "best hair of the year" award. That's right ladies! I am the reason for the fire in your loins.

I think the girl's name was Kylie Muesli (last name maybe spelt different). In that picture I think she's wearing some crazy uber jeans, that is made up of a patchwork of lesser jeans. Denim that's been used and left to die. Denim dreams crushed, as the fickle empire of fashion oppress their pitiful existence of being the reason the question "Does my bum look big in this" plagues men's "leave me alone I'm watching sports" time all over the world. Either that or it's camo jeans, which we all know even the most flamboyant of gay men wouldn't touch with a disinfected pink whip.

Sayonara, again and again

2006-04-26T05:51:00.000+10:00

I sometimes have this dream or a variation of it, where a girl with red shoes tells me "nakanai de kudasai".

But I do anyway.

And I want to tell her that I never did learn Japanese. I speaka no...J-neez

Off to work. I'm thinking of sneaking my dogs up with me

They say he built a flying city, and flew into the sunset...

2006-04-26T05:17:00.000+10:00

You may not believe me.

You may even think I've gone nutters.

But I've managed to Macgyven (I make up words to boost my ego) my computer into operational status using:

a. A long piece of thread
b. 2 Plastic cones
c. 2 floppy disks (to prop up the cones)
d. Some lego pieces
e. Shouting "I AM JACGYVER, BROTHER OF MACGYVER! AND I CAN TRANSFORM EQUALLY AS WELL AS ANY TRANSFORMER OUT THERE!"

This is no joke. I could make up better jokes if I wanted to be funny. Okay, the sound doesn't seem to work...and a couple of other ports, but that does not make me any less of a genius. I swear, small islands in the pacific worship me. They erect statues that block out the sun. And they sing the songs that I wanna sing! And..and...they don't walk, they soar!

And their voices sound like swing music!

uh hmm..

But now I can't move the thing because I'm scared the lego pieces would fall out.

Oh well, least now I can finish off my freelance graphic design work and get paid.

On my signal...give them hell!

2006-04-25T04:58:00.000+10:00

Today my parents wanted to buy a fridge.

Not because we needed a new fridge, but because they thought we might someday need another fridge and that the bonus offer of $400 worth of free petrol was just too enticing to let slip by.

I almost had a heart attack. One part of my mind was screaming at the other part. Is it a sign of madness if your brain is embroiled in a civil war? Cold, Logical brain waves lobbing cerebral artillery shells at creative hippy thought patterns, as they raise their home made peace signs in the air and sing songs in soft, delicate tones.

I flat out refused to buy it and now they are angry at me.

If you want to buy something, buy me some damn sneakers! Some cool ones that make me look like an extra in a breakdancing movie!

You are suffering from the German sickness of Lederholden Ach ze Tung!

2006-04-21T00:59:00.000+10:00

"It's alright" said the nurse, like a pilot of an airplane that had only one engine and it was on fire, "Your mother is fine"

My mum was just just discharged out of the hospital. I had been trying to get her discharged for my sister's engagement shindig all through the weekend. Unfortunately it was Easter weekend and I was told I needed the doctor on her case to discharge. So she missed out on the party.

Liars.

When I did get to see the doctor and told her what happened, she mentioned that any doctor could have discharged her. Infact she herself was supposed to discharge her before she went on holidays.

I tried to spit fire out of my eyes. Suprisingly, they would not comply with my wishes. I would have to have a chat with my eyes some day. Growling didn't work either. I nearly choked trying. Then there was a moment that was a cross between a pregnant pause and a silent samba (And somewhere out there, a middle aged man was attempting to do the Cha-cha-cha underwater. Somekind of mid-life crisis). She had recognised my anger. It seems I was messing with a veteran in recognising obvious anger. Some kind of Homo-superior with uneven shoulders. She tried to smile and frown at the same time. Which, as we all know, just makes you look like you are regretting that curry and sushi for lunch. It looks painful, and often makes you wonder if Ghengis Khan pulled that same face, just before he screamed his battle cry and led 10,000 hairy men on horses down a hill.

Unfortunately I was forced to shoot the helpless doctor out of a cannon, and into a box of Rove McManus jokes. I then abused her in German and sped off in a decommisioned Panzer tank.

I hear Morse people

2006-04-20T01:46:00.000+10:00

Experiencing problems STOP
Computer kinda imploded STOP
Stay Funky STOP

Murphy's Law

2006-04-12T15:10:00.000+10:00

Anything that can gor wrong, will go wrong

I will be away for a couple of days. My mum was just admitted to hospital

Knuckles clenched to white as the landing gears retract for flight
My head's a balloon inflating with the altitude

Ben Gibbard

The bear deserved it. I swear

2006-04-12T04:16:00.000+10:00

Today a police officer came to my door and confiscated my driver's licence. I am suspended from driving for 12 months. Most likely a fine will be coming my way in a couple of weeks when my case reaches the courts.

That's all right and good if they counted those months from nearer to the time of my accident. Their promise of "6 weeks" has become nearly a 6 month wait to process my blood alcohol concentration. In that time I have refrained from driving a vehicle (unless I was heading down to Safeway or to return a movie). I do not drive to work (farm and takeaway shop). I caught public transport or asked for lifts from friends and family. Now you are telling me my driving suspension starts right fucken now!? So the 12month suspension is really an 18 month suspension? With my suspension possibly going even higher when it reaches the courts? 18+ month suspension and a fine? Damn you.

Congratulations. You've won. It's finished. You've broken me. I'm done. I am tired, thin and stretched. You've helped me dig my own hole. Now you are filling it up and I don't want to fight my way out anymore. I don't see the flowers bloom. There are no more bright colors. The people do not have shining eyes. I did everything right, and I did everything wrong. And I've paid, and I've paid, and I've paid and I've paid. It doesn't get any lighter. And it doesn't get any easier. A dreamer, when I should have been a realist. Take a bow, you are the jester and the clown of the piece. Take a bow you piece of shit. Take a bow and reap what you sow.

All that's needed has been said, why say anything more? The man is drunk, why stay any longer?

Gu Long

Maybe this post was an excuse to post this great picture?

I was stoned, baked and out of my mind

2006-04-05T02:20:00.000+10:00

Today I had 2 strange encounters with stoned people.

The first was in Springvale, as I was walking past the McDonalds. An obviously baked guy thought I was his mate and offered me weed. I kindly declined his offer of a plastic bag of leaf (!!) and went on my way.

The other was out the front of Safeway. 2 stoned chicks got out of a car, flashed their breasts at me and ran into Safeway giggling.

Also, today I was so bored, I stood in K-Mart playing X-box 360 for nearly an hour, while kids were behind me waiting for a turn (I think one cried). Wait till the man finishes and you can have a go... harr harr harr. Cop that kiddies

Rules for our drinking democracy are as follows:

There must always be an odd amount of members (for votes).

The voting process goes: If more than half the members are drinking alcohol, all members must drink.

There are no exceptions to the voting process. No members has any veto power.

Secret handshakes and dances may come into effect very soon

All drinking sessions resided by members must start the night with the phrase "Parliament is in session"

Drinks will be met with similar drinks. Beer for beer, shot for shot.

My BDSM safe word is...

2006-04-01T18:02:00.000+11:00

...'Landlubber'

Well I'd like to think I'm the mess you'd wear with pride.

2006-04-01T02:08:00.000+11:00

I used to know a girl who would call my mobile phone for a second, then hang up, when she was thinking of me. At the time I found it an amusing display of teenage poverty, where money would be spent on essential teenage survival kits consisting of booze, cigarettes and clothes. Phone credit was a luxury.

I find a sort of sweet comfort in thinking about it now. It was nice to find out she thought about you 7 times during the night. Cheesy warmth on a cold night like this.

APPEND!

I've found the joys of swing music!

Get the dance floor...swinging!

The word on the street...

2006-03-30T22:08:00.000+11:00

jordo... says:
silent submarine sex is officially in the urban dictionary
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
haha did you add it in?
jordo... says:
yeah
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
good stuff. I went to work after tuesday night. completely seedy and and in danger of ralphing in the van
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
the first break I got I had a nap in one of the grape tree aisles
jordo... says:
haha, your lucky I put my phone on silent, would have been extremely pissed off if I got woken up 4 times with gay french messages
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
HAHAHAH don't ask me why we were sending you french msgs
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
someone would say something about french, then crackers would go "WE SHOULD SEND THAT TO JORDAN!!!"...so we did
jordo... says:
let me repeat the messages i got
jordo... says:
jarrod - andre agassi has two sacks, one is magic and gives him tennis powers but directly contributed to his early balding
jordo... says:
u - ur mamma is jemima puddle duck
jordo... says:
paul - sacre bleur the french are mating
jordo... says:
u - im french and retarded
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
HAHAHAHA that shit is gold
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
we talked aobut andre agassi's 2 ball sacks for ages
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
btw, who is jemima puddleduck?
jordo... says:
dude, why would i know?
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
crackers told me to write jemima puddleduck. I assumed he thought u knew about it
jordo... says:
haha, dude
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
hurray for raffle beer slab!
jordo... says:
hah, fuck u
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
you shoulda stayed man. as can be plainly seen, we had a ripper
jordo... says:
ralphing in the middle of teaching rounds wouldn't have gone down well
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
according to crackers, all males fold their toilet paper and females scrunch. but brooke folds cause she hangs round us boys too much
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
hahah kids love it when their teachers throw up..shows em you are human
jordo... says:
I scrunch
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
!!! you and troy are girls!!!!
jordo... says:
you and crackers are girls
jordo... says:
folding, what a waste of time
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
the statistics never lie!!!!
Thaozee (The french are mating!) cooking says:
we're civilised people! folding is the way

Normal conversations don't exist!

Zanzibar, Perrywobble and Harold, how about a spot of vandalism?

2006-03-28T04:52:00.000+11:00

So there is some new crew/posse tagging my neighborhood. "Sample" or "SA" seems to be tagged everywhere I look. I swear if they get anywhere near my street, I'm gonna have to hide in the bushes and jack-in-the-box them when they show.

But since we're in a vandalism mood. I was thinking of breaking into someone's backyard and planting a medium sized tree in there. I wonder how they would react... Maybe I could keep tabs on them to see if they water it, then steal it back when it thrives. I live to mess with minds. The horror I will sow.

...It might not be the same anymore, but someday I want to go. Really really want to go...

2006-03-27T02:50:00.000+11:00

I found that quote floating around the internet. It was a comment left on someone else's blog. The meaning is different then what I may be be implying here

Man, I really need a cigarette. Post to curb the cravings. Some music I think people shoudl listen too. Or, in German, You must lizen to ze music immediatly. German efficiency prevails.

I recommend a band called Band of Horses. They are a cross between The Shins and My Morning Jacket.

If i stayed behind
would you let your hair grow?
I will forget
the favors that you owe
I'm dreaming of car wrecks and thunderstorms bright
let's bury ourselves
and go haunt someone tonight

I know you tried
I know you're cursed
I know your best was still your worst
when hollywood was calling out your name

My other recommendation is the Aussie hip hop crew The Herd's new album. I have the song "Starship Trooper" (Ozi Batla) on high rotation (Yes I am a DJ on a prominent radio station. Yes I am a liar)

Lost in deep cover,
“Dear John,” said his lover’s last letter
Emptied a full clip to feel better,
Slipped a rung on Jacob's ladder,
Desert boot camp deserter got stung by death adder,

Don’t get mad get even madder,
A10 tank killer fodder,
Interrogate? Why bother…
My brother for a last cigarette, no please not yet
One last dance, lest we regret

Look me in the eye, GI, and tell me you’re not tired,
Tired to death sir, tired till it hurts
Now this shit couldn’t get much worse

Well it may…

We march at the break of day
And come what may, rules of engagement say
We will stand to the very last, shrapnel blast

A casket goes home….
Sons and daughters wrapped in stars and stripes to keep ‘em warm

Under red orange dawn we draw the line
And those on the other side must stand and fight
Tracers like fourth of July in the night
Lighting up like Hiroshima…
The perfect sight

**** CHORUS******
I’m a Starship Trooper
This is my letter to dad, transferred from Saigon to Baghdad
And now I’m dead…
An allied soldier, with skin boils from Ebola
I’ll bring you back a souvenir of what we stole

I was only nineteen
Joined for the pay packet
Now my full metal jacket won’t take one more hit
I don’t give two shits about oil interests
But depleted uranium, just gave Joe a fit

Captain Kurtz said, “fight till the hurt stops“
Yet all I can see is burned crops
And mates shell-shocked
Morphine under lock and key
Their AK’s talking to my M16

Pray for friendly fire
Haven’t seen a priest, but plenty of funeral pyres
Triage nurse is dying
My name in the paper
Next to a faceless dictator
And another flag to drape
Hey yo, check

Here’s the commanding officer
A total mess again
Crying in the mess tent
How to make mice or mince meat of his men….

I'm posting up the full lyrics because it's the first Hip Hop song that has made me nearly shed man tears. No, Kriss Kross's "Jump" Doesn't count.

The wah wah guitar never stops

2006-03-25T14:51:00.000+11:00

I met someone I knew when I was 15 the other day. And when I say knew, I mean she was my drug dealer.

From what I gathered, she does not deal anymore. Some sort of real estate agent now. An ex-pusher who took advantage of a 15 year old. Or maybe I took advantage of her? She was a slimy, 3 handed woman. Left handed, right handed and underhanded. Probably well suited to palming off real estate I suppose. I was hoping to see signs of remorse.

It's strange when you collide with pieces of the past. The dance of violence and fury echoes and reverberates through you mind. It's been years, but you find that you've barely moved away from the cliff edge.

I should have been angry. I should have been at the apex of fury. Damn you! Damn you for destroying my childhood.

But all that went through my head was:

I can't believe I used to hang out with a woman called Vera

Recaps

2006-03-24T14:35:00.000+11:00

My weekends have been brutal, but I love them. Waking up in a neighborhood that I know nothing about. This weekend though, I'm taking it slow. Lack of funds and lack of SUPERHUMAN RADIOACTIVE POWERtm. Some things I remember from last week:

Rick drinking puppy milk

Nudge storming off to ralph on the front lawn. Everytime we came out to tell him to come in or go home, he would say "Just give me 5 more minutes, and I'll go home. 5 more minutes". He was there for hours.

Flyboy cannot balance a bowl of chips on his head while walking across the room.

The drinking democracy is both fair and important to the state of the nation. If we drink, you drink.

Deploying Troy-boy as a "Do-not-let-Thao-drink-tequila" alarm is pointless. Troy is a bastard mong that lets tragedy strike.

The phrase "lordy lordy, man alive" shall be used henceforth for all eternity

Tong Po is my god. Tong Po has many uses. For example: I would like to buy a Tong Po amount of chips.

That's all I remember. Also everyweek we have operation names for doing everything.

Operation My little Pony - Cleaning Beccs room after we played Jenga on top of her with her clothes

Operation wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey - The hunt for food

Operation tresspassers will be severly punched - The hunt for food in Ivanhoe

Operation red crystal - Go home and chill

Fingers of steel

2006-03-22T05:27:00.000+11:00

Was I was younger, I used to enjoy grabbing bees with my fingers and watching them buzz till I let them go. This act quickly stopped when I was inevetably stung by one. It baffeled me at the time because their was no sting mark. Just the remains of a flower seed.

"Nobody Knows"...

2006-03-22T04:42:00.000+11:00

...is beautiful. Based on an article in the 80's, it tells the story of 4 children, abandoned by their mother in a small apartment building. An achingly tragic movie, with a suprising amount of heart. A tale of desperate children, trying to hold on to their innocence.

A review here and here.

(A word of warning. It is a really slow moving film. Snail pace-aaaaaarrrr)

Sound, sound the clarion, fill the fife!
To all the sensual world proclaim,
One crowded hour of glorious life
Is worth an age without a name.

Walter Scott "Answer"

Voltron 2006

2006-03-21T04:43:00.000+11:00

I wrote this for my little cousins while I was babysitting them tonight.

YOU
DIG
VOLTRON!

I
DIG
VOLTRON!

CHICKS
DIG
VOLTRON!

*kickass guitar riff*

(The only step left is to profit)

The saddest thing...

2006-03-20T05:03:00.000+11:00

...is a man with no arms and legs, crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken someday.

And that they'll play together in the field when it gets better

*I woke up confused and seedy.I dropped into my bed like a ton of bricks. It's now 5am. I'm late for work. I'm gonna go speartackle my breakfast*

Voltron

2006-03-16T04:26:00.000+11:00

I MUST WRITE ABOUT VOLTRON!

But I have to go to work now.

PUNK'd

2006-03-15T04:13:00.000+11:00

I was once chased out of a flat, by a man with a butcher's knife.

I was at this girl's house and her father was supposed to be away for the weekend.

"We have the flat to ourselves, Thao..." as she fluttered her eyes and grinned.

My mind conjured images of possibilities. But where to get parachutes and crusade era knight armour at this time of night...

I had just taken off all my clothes except for my boxer shorts when, showing what could only be precise comedic timing, her father burst in. He took one look at the scene and bolted into the kitchen. INTERMISSION!

*Okay, asian father 101: Fathers are very protective of their daughters. Some asian fathers go a bit further by scaring their daughter's boyfriends with knives and swords. I have witnissed my uncle chasing his daughter's (then) boyfriend down the road, with a machete. It's a pants browning situation.*

Now, the second he ran into the kitchen with the facial expression of a constipated Hulk, I knew fully well I had to leg it out of there. Running down the stairs from the 9th floor, half naked is no fun. I never looked back till I got outside the building and behind the bushes. I was stranded in richmond (in the slums side) for a good hour.

Have I written down this story before?

Is Thao Nguyen gonna have to choke a bitch?

2006-03-14T05:56:00.000+11:00

I hear talk of "Australian values" all the time. Our politicians endlessly spin these notions into their speeches ad nauseum. Recently our Finance Minister, Peter Costello, caused controversy for basically making an ultimatum to migrants, accept "Australian values" or leave.

One problem there Ol'Costello pants, what the hell is Australian values?

If it's this "mateship" you all harp on about, or looking this tolerence for other cultures... well, Mr Costello, I can tell you right now that those values are basic human values. They are not Aussie specific.

If it's beer, footy, singlets, thongs, utes, cricket and meat pies... then it's cliches and stereotypes you want. They are not values.

So tell me, how do I become a true Australian citizen? Where do I sign up to learn these mythical values?

(I know what you meant Mr Costello, but your vague and heavy handed comments are bullshit)

Posting in the name of...

2006-03-11T21:38:00.000+11:00

(Title must be read to the tune of Rage Against the Machine's - Killing in the name of)

So it's been 6 months since our boy Quicky (Sticky Quicky) left us for the obscure nation of Caaaaaaanada. WHo know's what havoc he has caused with his mangler over there. As promised, I'm posting up some Tocumwal pics for him. Here goes:

This is Ben 'Please don't introduce me to your freinds as Quicky' Quick. In this pic, I assume he is pretending to be awake. I'm also pretty sure he thinks that banana is a mobile phone. Always the joker.

This is the Mangler trophy, as shown with the current champion of the mangler. This is waiting for you Benny.

Some of your favorite boys, in their native toga. Bryan is teaching Troy how to read his palms. Grug is knitting.

Benny, me and Crackers doing our Beastie Boys intergalactic dance. I hope you've been practicing

Maybe more later. Hope you like it Quicky

The name is Bond...Jimmy Bond... :(

2006-03-07T01:36:00.000+11:00

I was going to write some stuff, but my head feels like it's full of rocks. I've been feeling something coming on all day. So it's off to the doctors for me tomorrow, err, today.

I bought something interesting the other day. It was some kind of energy drink that I found in one of those budget grocery stores. It caught my eye as it was marketed as an aphrodisiac. It was emblazoned with words like "LOVE HERBS" and "FROM SWEDEN WITH LOVE" (Bond!?) and "NATURAL EXCITEMENT", which as we all know, are red flags in my mind. For 50c, I could not go wrong. It was probably a discontinued product. I tell you what though. It gave me with nearly an immediate buzz of euphoria. Nothing overwhelming (so no, I don't have to run from the boys in blue), but it made me feel more like I had more energy. Distilled from superman blood? You tell me... All I know is the Swedish are on to something.

Back to sleep methinks.

Please be here until the morning
Hold my hand until the morning
Chase my fears until the morning
Till you promise life
Please be here

Hawksley Workman - Stop Joking Around

2006-03-02T04:12:00.000+11:00

It was mostly sweet, but you were the sweetest of all

Business is business

2006-03-02T03:49:00.000+11:00

Court is over.

I recieved an acknowledgment that I indeed tried to sort something out about my owing payments. They acknowledged, but they did not apologize. I'm $900 down and I've sold the necklace (sorry S.S).

I am furious and I've broken many, many plates.

But, it was my mum's birthday today, so I bought her new plates. Huzzah!
---
Crackers told me this. I barely had a memory of it. From the party recently:

Random girl: boobs blah blah blah boobs

Me (as I pass by): Are you talking about boobs?

Random girl: Was I talking to you? This has nothing to do with you

Me: But you're talking bout tit's yeah? Tit's are every man's business!

Not very classy I know. If I know you and I said this to you, then sorry. If not, then buuuuurned.

(If I wrote this wrong, tell me what I wrote wrong. Because my memory of it is hazy)

I swear I was at home with the missus, on the date you mentioned...

2006-02-27T02:36:00.000+11:00

So I have court this week.

Flips up his collar and flips off the "man"

Not for my car crash (I still haven't heard anything about that), but for land tax. It's not even a cool crime too pick up chicks with.

Hey babee. I'm wanted for non payments of land tax. How bout some skullduggery in bed?

It has all stemmed from inept council workers, not properly flagging my name. I owed a certain amount of land tax, so I went in to organise a payment plan. All was fine and there was handshakes all around. We did the ol' we should do lunch sometime. Get your people to talk to my people. Anyway the stupid lady there didn't record our agreement properly. Which meant my account was still flagged for full payment of said owed amount. Which means I'm wanted by fumbling upholders of law who need to ask me a couple of questions. 'ang on, ang on sonny, what'z all dis den? (must be read aloud in a thick cockney accent).

My mind has been on this appointment all week. Distracting and stressing me out. It was great to hang out with my friends these last couple of weeks. It's kinda hard to keep your mind on such things when people are asking, nay ordering, you to dance and party.

I.Am.Scared.Shitless.

But in true male brew ha ha, I am loathe to admit it. I don't like asking for help. Other people shouldn't have to be dragged down with me. I've been selling my personal things at an accelerated rate. My fine china collection. My garage full of original mustangs. My lock of Bruce Lee hair (it smells like real kung fu), My original cassette album of Michael Bolton...

It's time for me to go underground. My new tag is Joe Flow Stang, the traveling bogan troubadour, minstrel of the big block V8 masses. Rrrrr Rrrmmmmm indeed

Btw, if I go missing for a couple of months, it means I'm either A) in jail or B) on the run :D If answer is A, please break me out in the exact same way as prison break

You can sleep in my doona Thao! flutterflutter*

2006-02-26T15:48:00.000+11:00

Oh bugger

Oh misunderstanding and drunken minds. Oh confusion and gestures. Oh bugger.

I went out last night to a place called "Comfortable chair". It had a lot of chairs, but not all of them were comfortable :( Or rather, using my superior gut feeling, I managed to pick the worst chair in the estalishment. We sang the praises of Coopers sparkling ale (it was on tap too), while Flyboy and Fista were announcing their intentions for the brunette sitting next to a police officer. The words her boyfriend isn't here gotta them properly riled up. There was ribbing of the Thao and his almost tryst(is tryst the proper word?my brain is farting) with a certain someone (attached no less). The inevitable back slapping that men give each other when matters of testosterone pop up. Or more specifically, our beastial manly roar at last weeks almost fight, when we were about to pewpewpew(laser sounds) gatecrashers with our bottles. Becc and Fista were born to be in photos...together. The cumulative sexy points reachs the high billions. Billion trillion. Mel professed her love for the Jordo. One point that's needed to be stressed, nay bolded:

Silent submarine sex should be used more. The final meaning rests at - Someone who has sexual relations in the same room while 3rd parties abound.

(Fista's silent submarine sex sound is abysmal)

Oh, we had a giant man discussion about girls, breast sizes, cars and bottleings in a room with brick walls that might or might not have been soundproof. I really hope the people in the house did not hear what was said there harr harr harr. Fista made the worst alcoholic drink ever.

Flyboy's job is: Car, DVD's
Fista's is: YOU SAID YOU HAD COMMANDO2! But it will be predator
My job: DVD player and antenna. We have a problem though. That TV is ancient. No AV connections for the DVD player :(

Hmm. this post has roots in confusion. Maybe I should have put it in dot point form?

K, mike check...Mike Czech (the Czech rapper)

2006-02-21T02:24:00.000+11:00

When I die, my tombstone will say "Here lies the bones of a fricken genius. He died batteling giant brains", cause...cause, check this shit:

When I am rich, instead of buying an awesome surround sound system, I will hire opera singers and aussie rappers to stand in each corner of my room and make the noises for me. They will memorize the script and make sounds that fit what is supposed to be happening, while I'll be watching the DVD on mute. And an orchestra will be installed behind the walls. My human speakers.

Slavery is fine, when it comes to surround sound yeah?

This goes with my other rich decadent ideas. Instead of mirrors, I will have a HD camera filming me and streaming me onto a HD large screen TV. The other is, I will buy an extremely expensive car, park it on the back of a truck and pay the truck driver to drive me around while I sit in my car. Man, do I know how to live or what?

Bandits have taken my daughter and all the gold in the village!

2006-02-19T23:33:00.000+11:00

So I woke up this morning in an empty house, with a slinky in my right hand. Not my house. I had questions, but there was no one to give me answers. I wondered aimlessly around the streets till I found a shop that was not closed. Bought chips and overpriced non-cold orange juice, and trundled back. My hair did one of those freak out things, when it just doesn't want stay cool, and everyone's saying "take a chill pill". I looked like I had been wrestling with pure fucken electricity. Vague memories passed in an out. Some guy I don't remember told me to lock the back door. But I didn't? cardboard masks were strewn around the floor. Enough beer bottles to sink the titanic. Portishead, relentlessly playing in the background. More vague memories. A cowboy that could've been a cowgirl. Some kind of intervention for Rick and the girl who denied him. Trying to sneak in to urinate in the vegetable garden. Random people running in looking to start a fight. Me, crackers and flyboy chugging all our beer and assuming the ol "I-am-going-to-bottle-yous" pose. Jesse exclaiming that she was a "wog" and that she knew how to handle these "wogs", then proceeding to tell them to piss off. Me, wearing the glasses of a sex god. Dancing, oh so much dancing. The lesbian handbook (with step 1 being: you must like girls).

Then it came back to me, like a thunderstorm in the backseat.

Tequila

Never end the night on Tequila shots.

VIDEO:AUX

2006-02-17T05:06:00.000+11:00

There used to be an old TV series in the 80's called "Prisoner". I never realized how ahead it was for it's time. It was a drama about female prisoners at Wentworth Detention Centre, and dealt with issues like rape, homosexuality and murder. Quite risque for a country that was churning out eye bursting stuff like "The Young Doctors"... 8 years, it lasted. Didn't even realize. Right now as I apply my sockage to my feetage, I am rocking out to the theme song of "Prisoner", as covered by The Living End. Go here and download the song, ya mongcats!

On the inside

He used to give me roses
I wish he could again
But that was on the outside
And things were different then

We build our world together
With a love so clear and strong
But that was on the outside
Where did I go wrong?

On the inside the sun still shines
And the rain falls down
But the sun and rain are prisoners too
When morning comes around

Last night I dreamed we were together
Sharing all the love we've known
Till I had to face the nightmare
Of waking up alone

On the inside the sun still shines
And the rain falls down
But the sun and rain are prisoners too
When morning comes around

On the inside the roses grow
They don't mind the stony ground
But the roses here are prisoners too
When morning comes around

He used to give me roses
I wish he could again
But that was on the outside
And things were different then

My valentines day was spent with a young girl that kept saying "Uncle Thao! Why are you wearing glasses?". Everytime I answered "Cause Uncle Thao can't see far", I was met with a wall of "Why?". Repeat ad nauseum

Oh and back to back viewing of a Spiderman cartoon DVD.

Sexy

I left you in that room, where the palindromes reside. I ran and I ran, and I never looked back...

2006-02-16T06:59:00.000+11:00

Funky...rooms

Typical, I won't admit I like you

2006-02-12T23:46:00.000+11:00

When is valentines day? Shall I start filling my front pocket with red roses? Should I start practicing my sweet nothings? Cashing in my free meal coupons? Stealing stuff from my sister to present to potential kindred spirits? I have cards! Oh how I have cards. Try this on:

or

I swear you're the only one!!!

(I now wish I made good on those potential girl-mates, my parents have been trying to set up for me)

I choose you, Huey!!

2006-02-09T01:20:00.000+11:00

Dear Mr Huey

I've been a long time fan of your delectable adventures within the culinary battlefield. My friend Rick especially is fond of your Beef-Tortilla-for-one. A tour de force of form and function, that I too have a soft spot for. When you cook, I hear bells of joy, like silent lightning flashing in-line to an old Army bugle player. You seem to revel in the act of sculpturing god-like substances in strange and exotic surroundings. You are always on the move, almost as if you are on the run. And yes, I do know the first rule of survival:

Always keep on the move.

Now I beseech you. You must rise above the others. Look to the east for the coming of the Iron chef's wrath! You must challenge them. Now is the time to strike. With spatula in one hand, and cooking pan in the other, you must show these paupers of cooking royalty what for! I know you will not let me down.

Your eternal fan,

T.N

(Brain Fart. I hope I get a reply)

15cc's of Wombat laughter, STAT!

2006-02-06T03:19:00.000+11:00

I need something. Something amazing and colourful. Something to excite me. I need sweet smells and unicorn giggles. I need, vital fucken nutrients. Everythings getting me down.

Clown.

(All I have to eat right now is left over battered banana. Bah! So hungry)

Adopt your local sicko

2006-02-06T02:53:00.000+11:00

Oh no! You poor, poor sickos. What will you do now? Human, animal inter-relations will never be the same. Why can't you like BDSM like normal people!?

(note the history of the bill. ho ho ho)

Phone charger, attacked by wild vampires!!!

2006-02-03T12:24:00.000+11:00

My phone charger died. Technology is fighting back!
(My mobile phone will be non-operational for awhile)

Yahoo and Google's alarming stance with China is scary. Yahoo seems to have provided personal details about this guy, who has been sent to jail for 10 years. And Google's censorship in China is pure hogwash! Tibet related websites are censored.